Maybe Baby
by 741N73D 4N63L
Summary: This is the story of a young Jennifer Jareau and her two sisters. In the beginning there were two sisters, Jessica and Jennifer Jareau, and in the end there were two sisters, Jennifer and Alice Catherine Jareau.
1. In The Beginning

AN: Yet another companion piece, read prequel, to Black Cat. It can stand-alone but it would make sense to read Black Cat either before or after. Part I is written from Jessie's point of view. Part II will be from JJ's point of view.

*** Jessie was JJ first. ***

AN2: Please bear with me; this is slightly more fantastical than my usual pieces, but it should be explained well enough that you don't need to have all the background information that I do. Thank you for reading. Please review.

AN3: For those of you who are interested, the little girl in the photo, cover page thing-y is supposed to be Alice Catherine Jareau.

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds, Lewis Carroll's Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, William B. Yeats' poem The Stolen Child, Shakespeare's Macbeth or Romeo and Juliet. I do not own the Scottish ballad of Tam Lin, Robert Burns' John Barleycorn nor do I own Dante's The Divine Comedy. I do not own Homer's Ulysses, Elizabeth George Speare's The Witch of Blackbird Pond or Jell-O.

I do however own JJ's family: Alexandra (Sandra), Roger, Jessica and Alice Catherine. As well as Jessie's aunt and cousin: Charlotte and Tanya. And the White's, Sheriff Vaughn, Michael Alexander and Rafe.

* * *

Jessica's Story

* * *

PART 1.1

* * *

Having a sister is like having a best friend you can't get rid of.

You know whatever you do, they'll still be there.

- Anonymous

* * *

July 22nd, 1978

Four-year-old Jessica Jareau runs into the hospital room, closely followed by her Father. Jessie climbs up onto the hospital bed where her mother is resting, a tiny pink bundle cradled in her arms.

"Mama did you have the baby?" Jessie loudly yells out her question.

"Shh! Sweetheart, don't wake your baby sister," whispers her mother Sandra.

"My baby sister?" queries Jessie. She moves closer to her mother curiously.

"Roger pick JJ up will you? I want her to see Jennifer."

Roger, scoops Jessie up, bringing her level with her mother's face so that she can look down on the tiny pink bundle in her mother's arms.

"Well, what do you think little lady?" he asks with a proud smile on his face and happiness evident in his voice.

"My baby doll," Jessie says.

"No JJ, she's not a doll, that is your baby sister Jennifer," says Roger firmly.

"No, she's a baby doll," insists Jessie with a pout reaching out for Jennifer, "My baby doll."

Roger sighs, "I think she needs another nap."

Sandra laughs quietly.

* * *

I am the way into the doleful city,

I am the way into eternal Grief,

I am the way to a forsaken Race.

Justice it was that moved my great creator;

Divine omnipotence created me,

And highest wisdom joined with primal love.

Before me nothing but eternal things

Were made, and I shall last eternally,

Abandon every hope, all you who enter.

- Dante's Divine Comedy, Canto III

* * *

October 31st, 1983

The Catholic Church has offered several explanations on the origins of Faeries. One such account suggests that faeries were fallen angels who sided with neither God nor Lucifer, the light bringer, when Lucifer tried to take over heaven. When Lucifer and his Angels lost, God sent them to Hell. As for the neutrals, God cast them onto the earth rather than punishing them as much as the demons and casting them into hell.

In Dante's Divine Comedy, the angels who didn't chose sides are punished in an Ante-hell. Dante considers them cowards for not picking a side. Inside the gates of Hell but before the river Acheron are the souls neither good enough for heaven nor evil enough for hell proper.

In Ireland, it is believed that fairies are descendants of the Tuatha De Danaan or People of the Goddess Dana who were known to be skilled in magic. In the highlands of Cornwall and Wales, fairies are believed to be those who died before their time. They wait in limbo, the Underworld or Otherworld, until the time when they were originally supposed to die.

Okay Jessica Jareau, your essay is horrible. I give up. I have too much information and at the same time, I don't have nearly enough. I need to finish my essay for class next week but I'm stuck, I don't know what to say. Maybe I should pick a new topic, but this topic is important. The more I read about Faeries, the more I would like to meet some. I know that it's not rational, but I think it would be neat. I want to be able to tell my little sister Jenny, my baby doll, all about faeries. I wonder if I should go back to the library tomorrow and look up stories about faeries.

I have always called Jenny baby doll. Daddy says that when Jenny was first born, I thought she was a new doll for me to play with. I know better now, but the nickname stuck.

Tonight is Halloween and Jenny and I went trick-or-treating earlier. I was a knight and Jenny was a Princess. I think she looked cute in her tiny pink dress and tall pointed Princess hat. It felt wrong to have Jenny dress up as a Princess, I feel like there is someone else who should be with us and dressed as the Princess. I kept thinking that Jenny was supposed to be a knight like me.

I've been having these strange dreams for as far back as I can remember. There are always three of us in these dreams: Jenny, myself, and a tiny little girl. We look so similar that sometimes I think we are sisters, which is silly because I only have one sister. In these dreams I'm old, not old like mama but old like our babysitter Devon, she's in high school. Sometimes Jenny and I are playing with the Princess and sometimes we're just reading in Jenny's room.

Ever since Jenny started Kindergarten in September, she won't let mama or daddy read to her at bedtime, it has to be me. I don't know why she wants me to read to her but I don't mind. I love reading and I love reading to Jenny. I think I'm going to ask daddy for some bookshelves in my bedroom, I'm running out of space for my books on my desk. Tonight we started Roald Dahl's Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Mama used to read it to me when I was little. Jenny fell asleep before I could finish chapter three.

I open the door to my bedroom and silently creep past Jenny's room to the staircase. I walk down the stairs, careful to step over the creaky step at the bottom. When I get to the kitchen, I climb up onto the counter and open the cupboard door where the candles are hidden. Tonight is Halloween, the night when the veil between life and death, the fabric of reality is at it's thinnest. I want to light a candle to celebrate Samhain, the Faerie New Year.

Maybe I shouldn't just light one candle, it would be lonely. Oh, I know, I can light one for me and one for Jenny. No, two doesn't feel right either, three is better: one for me, one for Jenny and one for the Princess in my dreams, the one with the faerie eyes.

I bring up to Jenny's bedroom the tea lights, the matches and a small black pot to keep them safe in; I don't want to burn the house down. I set them down on her window seat and I am very careful in lighting them. I don't wake Jenny but I hope that she wakes up on her own. The flickering flames are hypnotizing and I don't notice how long it's been until they sputter out and I'm left in the dark.

I crawl into my bed exhausted, tomorrow is Tuesday and I have school. I wonder if mama will make us pancakes for breakfast. I think Jenny and I should try blueberry and chocolate chip pancakes. Chocolate chip is my favourite and Jenny's as well. I don't know how I know this, but I'm pretty sure that the faerie Princess likes blueberry pancakes best.

* * *

O I forbid you, maidens a'

That wear gowd on your hair

To come or gae by Carterhaugh

For young Tam-lin is there.

- The Ballad of Tam Lin

* * *

October 31st, 1985

Today is Halloween. I have been wandering around the house all afternoon reciting lines from Shakespeare's Macbeth like, "Double, double toil and trouble; fire burn and cauldron bubble." It bugs daddy because he thinks that I shouldn't be reading Macbeth already, he thinks I'm too young. I'm twelve now, that's not young at all. Jenny is only seven. She is young.

Jenny and I are going trick-or-treating in a few hours. Mama says we can't stay out late because we both have school tomorrow. Jenny and I are going out dressed as faeries. Not like Tinkerbelle, but real faeries from the Otherworld. I drew the pictures for our costumes and Mama made them: a flowing tunic made of three different greens, brown leggings and fake flowers for our hair but no wings.

I was so angry with daddy when he said Jenny and I were going to look silly as fairies without wings that I almost yelled at him. Instead I said "It's faerie daddy," my hands on my hips, "not fairy. And, the Sidhe (shee) don't need wings, only the tiny faeries do."

He actually had the gall to dismiss my explanation, "Alright pumpkin, whatever you say."

When we return home, our pumpkins filled with candy, Jenny and I get ready for bed while mama and daddy check our candy. Every year it's the same thing; before Jenny falls asleep I slip into her room with three tea candles a small black pot and a match. I set the candles in the black pot on the window seat next to me and beckon her over. Jenny throws off her blankets, climbs out of bed quickly and rushes over to me.

As I light the candles I talk to my little sister, "Tonight is Samhain Jenny. Tonight is the beginning of the new year."

She looks confused, "I thought New Year's was in January Jessie?"

I smiles down at her, "Normally yes, but we're celebrating the Celtic New Year tonight Jenny, the Faerie New Year."

She smiles up at me, "Okay Jessie. But why are you lighting a candle?"

"I am lighting three candles Jenny." I say in a teasing voice.

She pouts and pokes my ribs. Hey eyes beg me for a proper explanation.

I laugh quietly, "One candle for me, one candle for you and one candle for the Princess."

"The Princess?" Her eyes widen in excitement. "What Princess? Do I know her?"

"Not yet, but you will." I promise her. I am thinking about the Princess from my dreams and how much she looks like Jenny. She must be our little sister, a faerie Princess for two Faerie knights.

After we climb into Jenny's bed, I recite the ballad of Tam Lin. He was a prisoner of the Faerie Queen. I tell Jenny how Tam Lin's true love Janet rescued him by holding onto him even though the Queen kept changing him into different animals.

When I am finished reciting the ballad I look at Jenny with tears in my eyes. I have a feeling in the pit of my stomach that something bad is going to happen, "Don't ever let me go. Promise me Jenny."

Half asleep, she rests her head on my shoulder, "I promise Jessie."

"I love you baby doll." I say to her, smiling even though tears are streaming down my face.

"Love you too Jessie." She whispers.

* * *

Friendship is born at that moment

when one person says to another:

"What! You too? I thought I was the only one."

- C.S. Lewis

* * *

January 23rd, 1986

On our first day back to school this year, Mr. Jennings told my grade seven class that we're going to be pen pals with an American grade nine student who is living abroad. It is supposed to be a mentoring program. Which is crap because no one is going to open up to someone halfway around the world from them. It is also supposed to teach us about cultural differences. We have to write letters twice a month until the end of school. So I have to write about ten or eleven letters.

Today we received our first letters from our new pen pals. At least I got a girl. I would have nothing to talk about with a boy. My pen pal's name is Emily, she is fifteen and right now she lives in Italy. She goes to boarding school and she has two best friends, Matthew and John. Emily sent a picture with her letter. She's pretty, black hair, brown eyes and very pale skin. She looks fay, but a different kind of fay than Jenny and myself.

Emily says that she isn't overly impressed with the idea of writing to someone she doesn't know in a country where she has never been to school. That is kind of interesting. Emily also said that since she wants to pass English this year she hopes that I am interesting and can write back quickly. She seems rather sarcastic; maybe this assignment won't be so bad after all.

I show Jenny the letter when I get home and she giggles at the stamp, which is a map of Italy. Jenny asks me why there was a boot on my letter. Jenny keeps asking me questions about Emily and so I showed her Emily's picture so that she would be a little quieter. I have a really bad headache so I brush Jenny off when she wants to know more details about why I'm writing to Emily. I tell her it's for school. I could have been nicer. I should have been nicer. I'll explain it after I have a nap and I'll write my letter to Emily after dinner.

I should tell Emily about myself, maybe about the books I'm reading. I should probably send her a picture of me because she sent one of herself. I'll tell Emily about Faeries, maybe not just yet, I don't want to scare her away. I would like us to be friends beyond this class assignment. I spend so much time in my books and in my head that I don't really have any friends, it would be nice to have someone to talk to besides Jenny.

* * *

_January 23, 1986_

_Dear Emily,_

_My name is Jessica Joy Jareau. My friends call me JJ. You could too, if you want, or you could call me Jessie, that's what my little sister calls me. I am twelve years old and I live with my mama and daddy and my little sister Jenny._

_I feel I must confess, I've never had a pen pal before. Even if this is just for school, I hope that we can have decent conversations by your standards so that we don't fail English._

_Is living in Rome wonderful? Is Italy gorgeous? I have never been very far out of Valencia (the tiny little hole in the wall where I live). We're supposed to visit Washington DC for the eighth grade graduation trip, but that is a year and a half away._

_What classes are you taking? Do you like all your teachers? Do you like school? We have the same classes for the entire year so I'm taking: Music, Art, English, Math, Science, Religion, Study Skills, Geography and Gym. I like most of my teachers but my art teacher, Mrs. Vale, is really nice and a little strange. On the other hand, my Math teacher, Mr. Tromp, isn't very nice at all and he couldn't find another way to explain math problems to us if his life depended on it. I really like school, but I would much rather be at home reading as opposed to sitting in class, bored to tears while the teachers drone on. I have asked mama to home school me before, but she keeps saying no._

_Do you have a best friend? My best friend's name is Raphael, Rafe. He sits next to me in all of our classes and at lunchtime too. He is even nice to my little sister Jenny. He always calls her Jennifer and asks her about school. Jenny adores him because he pays attention to her, unlike the rest of my friends._

_I really liked your photograph, you've very pretty. I thought it was a brilliant idea, so I have included a photograph of myself from last month's Christmas celebration._

_I will put this in the mailbox tomorrow because I have to get ready for bed now; it was nice to 'meet' you. Good night Emily._

_Your pen pal/friend,_

_Jessica Jareau, JJ_

* * *

AN4: The next section will be posted on June 19th 2012


	2. Epistolary

AN: A series of letters from Jessie to Emily and Emily to Jessie from June 1986 to June 1988.

*** Her parents call Jessie, JJ. ***

Thank you for reading. Please review.

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds, Lewis Carroll's Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, William B. Yeats' poem The Stolen Child, Shakespeare's Macbeth or Romeo and Juliet. I do not own the Scottish ballad of Tam Lin, Robert Burns' John Barleycorn nor do I own Dante's The Divine Comedy. I do not own Homer's Ulysses, Elizabeth George Speare's The Witch of Blackbird Pond or Jell-O.

I do however own JJ's family: Alexandra (Sandra), Roger, Jessica and Alice Catherine. As well as Jessie's aunt and cousin: Charlotte and Tanya. And the White's, Sheriff Vaughn, Michael Alexander and Rafe.

* * *

Jessica's Story

* * *

PART 1.2

* * *

_June 20, 1986_

_Dear Emily,_

_I'm so glad that you want to keep in touch Emily. I would have suggested that, in this, my final required letter, but you beat me to it._

_I never asked before, but do you have any pets? I don't but I really want a cat. I can't have one though because my mama is allergic. Jenny sort of wants a cat as well but mostly Jenny just wants to figure out a way to have an entire house full of butterflies. During the summer, I help Jenny catch caterpillars and we put them in her little plastic bug catcher with leaves and twigs. Then we wait for them to cocoon and turn into butterflies. Jenny thinks its wonderful and I think it's a little bit cruel to keep them locked up._

_Have you finished your final exams yet? Do you know which classes you're going to take next year? Do you know if your mother is going to be moved again?_

_Grade nine Biology sounds so neat. I can't wait until I can take it. I would love to learn about it now, but I'm trying to finish reading all the books that haven't made it to my bookshelves yet. I have so many that I need to finish this summer, close to thirty. And no Emily, they're not all fictional. I've got a bunch of historical books that I want to read as well._

_I really want to get into the grade eight Advanced Placement English class in September. There isn't one for grade seven and all the prospective students have summer reading to do. We're supposed to read some shortened version of Homer's Odyssey, Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet as well as The Witch of Blackbird Pond by Elizabeth George Speare. I've already read Romeo and Juliet but I'm still going to reread it before class starts. The Witch of Blackbird Pond looks really interesting and I can hardly wait to read the entire Odyssey because there is no way I'm going to just read the shortened version._

_I have to go now Emily. I need to catch Jenny before she barges into my room demanding her bedtime story. Don't get me wrong, I adore my little sister, but she really needs to learn how to knock._

_Yours,_

_JJ_

* * *

_October 1st, 1986_

_Dearest Emily,_

_Happy Birthday!_

_Have you read the Ballad of Tam Lin? If you haven't, you really should. I read it to Jessie every Halloween. It's amazing and I bet you could even find a copy in the original Middle English since you're in England. How is London anyway? Is your mama going to let you do anything fun? Did you visit the Tower of London? Did you see Buckingham Palace and the changing of the Guard? What about the Eye? I want to travel the world someday, but I especially want to see Scotland and Ireland. Although, I'm not sure about going to Ireland right now, the fighting doesn't seem to be getting any better._

_Will you be safe where you're living? The IRA isn't bombing London is it? My parents won't let me watch the news. I have to turn it on when they're not home, so I'm sure that I'm not getting very much information. I get more information from you and the newspaper clippings you send than I do from the papers here or the television._

_My Advanced Placement English class is wonderful Emily. We are going to read all these awesome books. I've looked at what my friends are going to be working on for the regular English class and they're elementary books Emily! I can't believe that they're going to work on Old Yeller and The Secret Garden in grade eight. I read them in grades six and four respectively. Although, I suppose, I didn't read them in class, I read them at home for fun. But still! How can people not love reading? How can people not read absolutely everything they can get their hands on?_

_My other classes are going well. I still can't contain my excitement about Biology next year. I'm sure it won't be as awesome as your classes since we don't have the same resources, but it will still be awesome. It's only the first of October and I'm already tired of middle school, I want to go to high school._

_Did you finish that Kurt Vonnegut book, Slaughterhouse-five yet Emily? I'm waiting for you to finish so that we can talk about it. So hurry up if you haven't finished yet._

_Love,_

_Jessie_

* * *

_January 1st, 1987_

_Dearest Jessie,_

_The Ambassador's Christmas ball was horrible. I hated it with a fiery passion. The New Year's one was equally dreadful. The Ambassador actually had the gall to fill my 'dance card' by herself. And if that wasn't quite horrific enough, she put every bachelor under thirty on it. I'm sixteen and she's husband head hunting already. I was and still am so very embarrassed. I wish Matthew had been there, he would have danced with me all night and then I wouldn't have had to dance with any of the ass-grabbing geezers or talk to the cheek pinchers. Okay my rant is finished._

_I hope you had a better holiday season than I did. Happy New Year my honourary little sister! How are your classes going? How were your Christmas exams? Did you light candles for Yule again? I lit one for you. And no, it wasn't lonely by itself, because my candle had two friends._

_How is Jenny doing? Last I heard she was struggling with not being able to play soccer in the winter. Is that still the case or did your parents find somewhere for her to run and kick the ball around indoors?_

_How are you doing with the snow? Are you okay with not being able to sit in your tree house for hours on end? Please don't sleep out there anymore, okay Jessie? A sleeping bag and snowsuit is not enough protection from below zero weather. I don't want you to freeze to death. You need to stay alive so that we can keep each other sane._

_Everyone was still asleep when I started writing this letter and by everyone, I mean my parents and the guests who were too drunk to go home last night. I can hear people moving around through my closed door. So I need to wrap this up now._

_I love you Jessie._

_Your honourary big sister,_

_Emily_

* * *

_September 23rd, 1987_

_My dearest Emily,_

_Thank you so much for the drawing for my birthday. It is gorgeous and absolutely amazing. I could never draw that well. It looks exactly like the Faerie Princess. I never gave details to what she looks like so how did you know how to draw her?_

_I'm sending this early so I hope this letter gets to you well before for your birthday. Again, I'm sorry your birthday letter was late last year. I thought it would be faster to send letters to London instead of Italy. I guess I just miscalculated. So, Happy Birthday Emily!_

_I can't believe that your mother wants to go to Ireland in January. Maybe she doesn't really want to go Emily. Maybe she has to. Does she get a choice in her assignments? People are dying there Emily, I don't want you to die._

_I had a new dream about the Faerie Princess Emily. You were in it with Jenny and myself. You looked about twenty so we were a few years older than we are now. You and I were sitting at a table in an apartment eating dinner while Jenny was chasing the Faerie Princess around the living room. I want my dreams to be real Emily; we were behaving like a family. It would be a nice change from what we have now. My parents have been a little distant lately, but I'm not going to mess up your birthday letter with that. So I'm going to tell you about another dream I had._

_You were lying on this big bed, asleep and you had a tiny little brown haired baby sleeping on your chest. It was perfect and if I had any talent at drawing I would have drawn if for you for your birthday. But since I couldn't draw my dream if my life depended on it, you will just have to content your self with the poem on the back of this letter._

_Speaking of Jenny, I have to go catch my little sister before she eats all the Cheetos again. I swear she must have Cheetos-breath by now._

_Love your little sister,_

_Jessie_

* * *

_January 15th, 1988_

_Dearest Jessie,_

_July 10th is going to be Dublin's 1 000th birthday. The Ambassador was asked to assist in setting up a proper Gala. Now that we're in Ireland, the Ambassador has had me confined to the house, pretty much on house arrest because the IRA is fighting the British Armed Forces. It is quite a bit further north of us. This is the first time I have ever really seen my mother concerned for me. Not the Ambassador concerned for how I will negatively affect her carefully cultivated image. It's a nice feeling, knowing that my mother actually cares about my safety. But sometimes I wonder if she isn't just worried what it would look like if the IRA killed the daughter of an Ambassador._

_I know that I have complained before but I feel the need to complain again. I hate the Ambassador's balls and galas. I hate being dressed up and sent like a sheep to market. The Ambassador has been husband hunting for the past year already, and it hasn't got better. I don't want to be a bored Socialite by twenty-five._

_Maybe I should pick a job where the Ambassador cannot use influence. JJ, I want a job where I can be myself (whoever that is). I think it would be really interesting to have a job where I can make a difference, maybe save lives. Traveling would be pretty cool too. I don't want to go into politics like my parents._

_I have to go now Jessie; I can hear my tutor calling for me. The Ambassador won't even let me leave the house to attend school. It really sucks. London was so much better. It was also easier to disappear in. I'll have to figure out another way out of the compound, excuse me, I mean Embassy, before I am driven completely mad. Come save me Jessie, you'll keep me sane right?_

_I'll try to write more tonight._

_Your big sister,_

_Emily_

* * *

_June 14th, 1988_

_Dearest Jessie,_

_I know that this letter is a few weeks earlier than it should be, but I have a small amount of time now and I wanted to write to you. _

_I'm so very scared Jessie, I think I might have destroyed Matthew's life. He wrote to me a little while ago, he's so confused and he's still taking drugs. We're supposed to graduate next year, but at the rate Matthew is going, he won't. I want Matthew to get better. I need him to get better. His parents already blame me for everything going wrong. I don't know what I would do if he overdosed and died._

_Have you written your final exams yet? I'm finished with mine. The Ambassador still won't let me out of the Embassy but there is an unguarded side door near the kitchens where I can sneak out onto the grounds. The guards don't mind; some of them even cover for me as long as I don't leave the property. They seem to think the Ambassador is nuts for trying to lock me up month after month. We've been here for six months Jessie and she hasn't let up yet. Ireland is supposed to be gorgeous but I haven't really seen anything outside of the Embassy and the airport. Even my tutors couldn't convince the Ambassador that I should be allowed out. I'm going crazy Jessie. Your letters and sketching are the only things keeping me sane._

_We're supposed to return to London a few days after the gala on the 10th of July. That one I told you about back in January. As far as I know, I will go back to the same school I was at before the Ambassador made me leave. I still don't know why she couldn't have just left me there. It's not like I ever see her here and I would have been happier. But the Ambassador never takes my well being into consideration._

_You are right Jessie; I do want a family. I want one that is nothing like the 'family' I have right now with my parents. If I ever have a child, I will love them with all my heart. I won't try to marry them off. I won't tell them they are worthless or that they are ruining my reputation or my image. I want him or her to look just like me. I want a chance to be a good mother. I just want a chance, even if I have to do it on my own, _

_You are family JJ, but it's not the same. I have never met you but I want to meet you and I want to meet your little sister Jenny. I want to meet and get to know this Faerie Princess you are always talking about. I want you to be right; I want her to be real. I want your dreams to be real and I want my dreams to be real. It would be so nice to have a family. I know you will be a great big sister to her and I hope that I will be as well._

_Your big sister,_

_Emily_

* * *

AN2: The next section will be posted on June 22nd 2012.


	3. Spiraling

AN: And so begins the downward spiral.

*** Her parents call Jessie, JJ. ***

Thank you for reading. Please review.

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds, Lewis Carroll's Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, William B. Yeats' poem The Stolen Child, Shakespeare's Macbeth or Romeo and Juliet. I do not own the Scottish ballad of Tam Lin, Robert Burns' John Barleycorn nor do I own Dante's The Divine Comedy. I do not own Homer's Ulysses, Elizabeth George Speare's The Witch of Blackbird Pond or Jell-O.

I do however own JJ's family: Alexandra (Sandra), Roger, Jessica and Alice Catherine. As well as Jessie's aunt and cousin: Charlotte and Tanya. And the White's, Sheriff Vaughn, Michael Alexander and Rafe.

* * *

Jessica's Story

* * *

PART 1.3

* * *

Buffy: You know, nothing's really gonna change.

The important thing is that I kept up my special

birthday tradition of gut-wrenching misery and horror.

- Helpless, Season 3, BTVS

* * *

August 1st, 1988

Emily has sent me another letter today. I am always happy to receive one from Emily but this one was extra special, not only did it arrive on my birthday but for the first time in 13 and a half years, Emily is going to live permanently in the United States. Her letter said that she is going to attend her senior year of high school while living with her mother and father in Washington DC. That is only five hours away. She is so close; it seems silly not to meet when we have been exchanging letters for two and a half years. I already know that Emily wants to meet me, but I'm going to write her back tomorrow to see what she thinks timeline wise.

For my fifteenth birthday, mama and daddy bought me a beautiful gold heart locket. I noticed how enamored Jenny was of my locket; I think she should have one as well. Inside, in one half is a picture of Jenny and myself from Jenny's tenth birthday last week. The other half is empty. I know just what to put in it, a new drawing of the Faerie Princess. I had a dream about her the other night; it was just the two of us, Jenny was nowhere to be seen. The Princess was telling me how sad Jenny was and how much Jenny missed me. I don't think I'm ever going to meet the Princess.

Today is also the Celtic holiday Lughnasadh (Loo-nah-saah). Eight times a year Jenny and I get together and celebrate the Celtic holidays by lighting three candles: one for myself, one for Jenny and one for the Princess. Every single time I light that third candle, Jenny asks me who the Princess is and why we are lighting a candle for her.

This year I think Jenny is finally old enough to understand so I answer her question, "Jenny we are lighting a candle for her because she cannot yet light one for herself."

She frowns, and demands answers, "Is she alive then, but just too young to hold the match?"

I take a moment to come up with a proper answer, the one I finally come up with is far from perfect but it's the only answer that I have for my baby doll. "She is a part of you and a part of me baby doll. You will know her when you hold her."

"Jessie," she whines, "That doesn't make sense."

I can't help but laugh at her. Jenny is right it doesn't make sense. None of this makes sense.

What Jenny doesn't know and I don't think I'll ever tell her is that I light one candle every night to say good night to the Princess. It just feels right to do that, to let her know that she is wanted, even though she isn't here yet.

* * *

Willow: It must be horrible.

Buffy: I think horrible is still coming.

Right now, it's worse. Right now

I'm just trying to keep from dying.

- The Prom, Season 3, BTVS

* * *

October 23rd, 1988

I hate hospitals. The doctors say that I have dissociative amnesia but they won't tell me what I can't remember. I was in the hospital for a long time. I don't even know how long because I don't remember arriving there. I just remember waking up, strapped to a hospital bed, my body screaming in pain, with a broken arm, fractured ribs and covered in a spectacular array of fading bruises.

I hate doctors; they want me to take medication to be 'normal'. What exactly is normal? The doctors also think that I have dissociative identity disorder, I looked it up; they think I'm crazy. That I've got other people living inside of my head, I'm not crazy, I don't hear voices. Okay, so maybe I have one other voice in my head, but she keeps me calm. And I need to be calm. If she didn't keep me calm, then I wouldn't be able to make it through the day.

When we finally arrive home, I go straight up to my room. I can hear Jenny in her bedroom; she's reciting lines of a poem for class. I missed Emily's birthday while I was in the hospital and Jenny doesn't know that Emily and I have continued to exchange letters. It is one of the few things I keep from my little sister. I lie down on my bed to open Emily's letter, I'm glad I lied to my parents and told them that I have a new pen pal for my English class. I am sure that they would keep Emily's letters from me if they knew we were still writing. This is why I don't mind my usual chore of getting the mail.

I think I need to send something to Emily for her birthday, I honestly cannot remember if I did or not. The last thing I remember is my birthday when I received a locket from my parents and a letter from Emily telling me that she's coming back to the USA.

I'm supposed to go back to school next week. My arm and ribs are almost completely healed. I think I was supposed to take advanced biology this semester. I really wanted to take that class. I hope there was space, it is a yearlong class and there are very few places available. Only the best students get in.

As I lie down on my bed, I notice that Jenny has left me a note on my pillow, telling me that she made the soccer team and she hopes I can come to her game when I'm feeling better. I wonder what my parents told her. I have no idea what to tell Jenny. I'm not crazy. I can't be crazy.

Speak of the devil; Jenny has just poked her head into my room. I am not in the mood to entertain her. Then medication the doctors have me on makes me exhausted all the time. I think I might still be on painkillers. That would explain the long hours of fuzzy dizziness.

"Jessie!" she shrieks loudly, rushing into my room towards me.

There is no venom in my voice when I say, "Piss off Jenny," just exhaustion.

"I'm sorry Jessie," she apologizes in a whisper and starts to back away from my bed.

I lift my head from my pillow, "No Jenny, I'm sorry. You can stay."

The grin on my little sister's face is heart warming. I missed her. It feels like months since I have last seen her smile. My parents didn't let her visit me in the hospital. Jenny climbs into bed with me and I hold her tightly. Maybe Jenny can be my lifeline. Somehow I feel like the medication won't be enough.

Jenny falls asleep and I spend a long time looking at Jenny while listening to the lady in my head, she's keeping me calm. Why am I afraid of my sister? Maybe it's not Jenny I'm afraid of. I wish I could remember what happened. I wonder if Jenny will give me the information I so desperately desire.

* * *

Angel: It's nothing.

Buffy: No, you have a 'something' face.

- The Prom, Season 3, BTVS

* * *

November 23rd, 1988

"Jenny are you paying attention to me?" it's obvious that she isn't but I still feel the need to ask the question, because it might prompt her into awareness.

"Mhm," she mumbles.

I sigh, "Jennifer?"

She looks up with a cheeky smile, "Jessica?"

I roll my eyes, "Jenny the word geis means 'bond', a prohibition, taboo or injunction. Do you understand?"

Jenny huffs, "Yes Jessie, it's a restriction like being grounded."

I smile, "Close enough. Now, a geis is tied in with one's fate or destiny. If you violate your geis, there are consequences, usually death."

She scrunches her nose, "Really, why?"

I sigh, "Because it's like a curse. You're supposed to follow the rules."

She frowns, "But don't lots of heroes break their geis'?"

"Yes." I pause for a moment and try to think of a good example, "If there is a geis placed on you, breaking of it seems unavoidable. Just like Oedipus Rex trying to out run and out wit his fate."

She frowns, "I don't know that one."

I laugh quietly, "There was a prophecy told to a King and Queen that their son would kill his father and father children with his mother."

Jenny makes a face, "Gross."

I snicker, "Do you want me to continue or not?"

She frowns, "No, it's gross and I think I know what happens."

I laugh, "Oh yeah smarty pants, tell me what happens."

She smirks at me, "He kills his daddy and has kids with his mama."

* * *

Push Me. Reject Me. Touch Me. Use Me.

Rape Me. Sell Me. Love Me. Kiss Me.

Kill Me. Feel Me. Want Me. Hate Me.

Need Me. Hear Me. Hug Me. Leave Me.

Save Me. See Me. Pet Me. Help Me.

* * *

December 30th, 1988

I can't breathe. It feels like I'm drowning. I almost wish someone would notice. I don't have the words. Please, someone, anyone, see that something is wrong. I'm taking the medication the doctor's prescribed and I still want to die. I hate taking medication to be 'normal'. I feel sluggish and sometimes I don't want to read or write. School has been really difficult except for Biology. I really like that class; it is so easy to remember everything. I even aced my Christmas exam. My parents were proud of me for the first time in months.

They keep trying to get me to stop talking about Faeries but it grounds me. It makes life worth living. I don't know how I would continue if I lost that connection. There are three things that keep me going: Jenny, the Faerie Princess and Emily's letters. I dream about the Princess every night. It is the only time when I feel like me. I dream of what should have been. What like would have been like if I wasn't sick. My parents would have had the Princess anyway. She wouldn't have been a replacement child; she would have been my baby sister.

Emily will go to University, so will Jenny and so will the Princess. I would like to know what University is like. I want to take classes that I have chosen, something important. I heard that there is a Celtic Mythology class at one of the University's Emily is applying to. I would love to sit in on that class. Maybe, if I'm around next year, Emily will let me visit her at University.

In one of my dreams, Jenny names the Princess. I hope this will come true, I know that Jenny will adore her once she lays eyes on her. She is perfect. She is otherworldly. I wished for another sister, a third to the pair Jenny and I make right now. I want to meet her so badly. I wished for her and I know that she is coming. I just have to wait. I think I can wait.

Every night, right before I fall asleep, I look at the sketch Emily drew. It's hanging above my desk, across from my bed. It's a sketch of my Princess and it's even called The Faerie Princess and signed by EEP. When I'm not dreaming of the Princess I dream that I'm falling or drowning. Sometimes I can feel hands on my throat, and then nothingness.

* * *

Spike: Are we feeling better, then?

Drusilla: I'm naming all the stars.

Spike: You can't see the stars, love.

That's the ceiling. Also it's day.

Drusilla: I can see them. But I've

named them all the same name,

and there's terrible confusion.

- Season 2 BTVS

* * *

January 23rd, 1989

Everything I see is fuzzy; the trees and the grass, the clouds. Even the person standing in front of me is fuzzy. _Oh god, I know him. He can't be here. He can't be real. I think this is a dream. I hope this is a dream. It can't be real; I need this to be a dream._

I try to calm myself down: _It is not real. No one will hurt me. It is not real. No one will hurt me._ I can feel his hands on my arms. He's shaking me. He's going to throw me off the cliff!

I can hear someone calling my name, "Jessie! Jessie wake up!" I think I'm dreaming. I hope I'm dreaming. _Oh god, someone's hand is on my throat, I can't breathe._

"Another nightmare?" Jenny asks rhetorically.

I nod because I can't bring myself to speak. Jenny shouldn't see me like this. She shouldn't be the one to wake me up from my nightmares. She needs to think that the world is a wonderful place. Jenny needs to stay innocent.

I can't take it anymore. The medication isn't working at all. I'm going to stop taking it tomorrow. I am sad that I won't get to meet the Princess but I cannot depend on her to keep me alive anymore. It isn't fair to her. She isn't even alive yet. So I have set a date. 181 days from now.

I am being selfish. I don't want to think about what my death will do to Jenny or Emily. They are the only two people alive who matter. My parents took away all my journals and my bookshelves are bare. The only books in my room are for school. My mail is being monitored. They took away every single one of my connections to the world. I need my connections.

I have decided that I am going to meet Emily because she is important and she deserves a chance to say good-bye in person. Emily will need a clean break. She will need to go off to university and forget that I exist. She deserves a chance at a real life.

Jenny will be fine because she is Jenny. I have attended all her soccer games and she is amazing. Jenny will be able to get a scholarship to a good school if she keeps her grades up and continues to play soccer. I know that she will protect the Princess the way that a knight should.

I think I will miss them. But I am hopeful that I will get to meet the Princess before she is born. That would be wonderful. C.S. Lewis wrote "If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world." I am made for another world. My only true desire left is to wait out my time, see the Princess and then have everything stop spinning.

I wish I could spend my nights out in my tree house. I feel safe there. But I promised Emily that I wouldn't because it's very cold outside and I always keep my promises.

181 Days.

* * *

1. Get up.

2. Survive.

3. Go back to bed.

* * *

June 20th, 1989

Jenny is staring at her new book; she is lost in her own world, I know how that can be but this is important, "Baby doll, pay attention." I am very insistent, "A year and a day Jenny, you mustn't forget."

She is still looking at the pictures in her new book, "Why a year and a day Jessie? Why not a year?"

I lift her chin with my fingers, forcing her to focus on me, "Because it's about Faeries Jenny. Faerie circles."

She traces the picture of a Faerie in the book with her finger, "Oh. Okay Jessie."

I am a little relieved; I kiss her forehead and say, "Light a candle for me Jenny."

She narrows her eyes and locks them on my face, "I don't understand Jessie. Why would I need to light a candle for you? Why can't you light it for yourself?"

I want to cry so badly but I need to stay calm and keep my face blank. When I don't think that I can, I hug her tightly and burry my head in her corn coloured hair, "I love you Jenny."

I can feel her smile into my shoulder, "I love you too Jessie."

A year and a day, Jenny will only have to be alone for a year and a day. I wonder if it is too much to ask of her. She isn't even eleven yet. I can't wait any longer; I have waited so long already. The nightmares are getting worse and the only relief I have from them is when I'm dreaming of what could have been. Jenny will need the Princess and the Princess will need Jenny.

33 days.

* * *

AN2: The view on mental health is Jessie's not mine.

AN3: Feedback is appreciated. The next section will be posted on June 25th 2012.


	4. Downwards

AN: Enter stage right Emily Prentiss. Exit stage left Jessica Jareau.

*** Jessie was JJ first. ***

Thank you for reading. Please review.

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds, Lewis Carroll's Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, William B. Yeats' poem The Stolen Child, Shakespeare's Macbeth or Romeo and Juliet. I do not own the Scottish ballad of Tam Lin, Robert Burns' John Barleycorn nor do I own Dante's The Divine Comedy. I do not own Homer's Ulysses, Elizabeth George Speare's The Witch of Blackbird Pond or Jell-O.

I do however own JJ's family: Alexandra (Sandra), Roger, Jessica and Alice Catherine. As well as Jessie's aunt and cousin: Charlotte and Tanya. And the White's, Sheriff Vaughn, Michael Alexander and Rafe.

* * *

Jessica's Story

* * *

PART 1.4

* * *

Emptiness its all around me

I try to catch my breath

I barely survive and I

Can't go on and I come undone

and there's Nothing left in me

Hold on, don't turn and walk away

save me

And I cried these words but nobody came

- My Side of The Story, Hodges

* * *

June 27th, 1989

Emily and I have finally figured out when we will meet up. I have waited a very long time for this to happen. I don't want to die without meeting Emily first. It is just past two in the morning and very soon Emily will drive the five hours from Washington DC to my home in Valencia PA. Emily has graduated from Garfield High, her convocation ceremony was yesterday and she will be leaving for Yale University just after my birthday. This really is going to be the only chance we have to meet.

I'm pretty sure Emily is trying to escape her mother without actually making it obvious. Yale is far enough away that the Ambassador cannot easily visit but not as far away as Stanford. If Emily had picked Stanford, the Ambassador would have known that Emily was trying to get away from her.

After my parents leave for work and Jenny for school, I will get everything ready: I will finish cramming my tree house full of blankets and pillows. In a few hours, I will fill the spare cooler with the drinks and snacks I purchased yesterday and hid in the basement fridge.

Emily and I will have almost eight uninterrupted hours in which to talk because thankfully, Jenny has soccer practice after school. I have been attending every game, but not very many of the practices. Hopefully Jenny won't think anything is wrong when I don't attend today.

I have been finished all of my final exams for the past ten days. I know that I aced my Biology final, Emily will be so proud of me. I'm pretty sure that I aced both my Math and World History finals as well. I already got my final Advanced Placement English mark back, and as expected, I did really well. English and Biology are my favorite classes; nothing motivates me quite as well as the desire to read more or the desire for practical application.

I think I'm going to take a nap and get up again when Jenny rushes into my room. I love my little sister but she has never learned to knock and it makes me a little nervous knowing that Jenny might burst in at the wrong moment. Thankfully I can always hear her coming, she sounds like a stampede of elephants running down the hallway.

Sure enough, a few hours later, Jenny charges down the hallway to my door and barges in yelling, "Jessie, Jessie wake up!" before launching herself onto my bed.

I roll over and glare at her sleepily. It doesn't affect my baby doll; she is immune to my glares, "Go away Jenny. I'm sleeping."

"You're not sleeping anymore," points out the little bugger.

I sigh, she's right. I am no longer asleep, "What do you want Jenny?"

She grins at me, "I want pancakes Jessie."

I frown, "Go ask mama to make you pancakes."

Jenny pouts, "But Jessie, mama and daddy are gone already."

"What?" I am confused, "What time is it Jenny?"

Jenny leans over me to look at my alarm clock, "7:30" she answers promptly.

I sigh, "Jenny you need to leave in forty-five minutes. You're not even dressed yet. Is your school bag packed?"

Jenny rolls her eyes at me before answering, "Yes Jessie, I packed my backpack last night."

I sigh in relief; sometimes my little sister is a complete scatterbrain, "Good. Did you pack your soccer bag?"

She frowns, "I can't find my socks Jessie."

I sigh tiredly; she always loses something, "Jenny where did you have them last?"

"Um," Jenny wrinkles her little nose, "I put them in the laundry hamper in my room."

I open my mouth but Jenny cuts me off in a rush, "I already looked there Jessie and I-"

Jenny looks like she's going to start listing all the places she looked so I cover her mouth with my hand, "Jenny did you look in the dryer downstairs?"

Her eyes light up and I take my hand away. "No I didn't Jessie!" she jumps off my bed and runs down the hallway.

"Don't run down the stairs!" I yell after her.

A few minutes later I can hear a faint shout, "I found them Jessie!"

I get dressed quickly before going downstairs. I meet Jenny who is coming up the basement stairs, blue and grey soccer socks in hand. She walks past me quickly and shoves the socks into her soccer bag. My baby doll can be such a slob, her room is always a mess, but she calls it organized chaos. I don't have the heart to correct her.

When I finally make it to the kitchen, I see that Jenny has laid out all the ingredients for pancakes on the counter. Jenny and I have cooked together before; she's just not allowed to use the stove yet. That should change on her eleventh birthday. That is when I was allowed to use the stove with parental supervision.

"Jenny are you ready?" I call out for her when I am finished measuring out the ingredients for the pancakes.

There is a far away voice that answers me, "Coming Jessie."

"Bring your stool. Don't run Jenny, " I admonish her gently as I start whisking in the eggs.

Jenny comes running in with her cooking stool.

I roll my eyes, "What did I say about running?"

She blushes, "Sorry Jessie."

"Climb on up," I push the bowl away from me, "I need you to finish mixing the batter and add the chocolate chips in."

She puts her stool down next to me and climbs up, "Okay Jessie."

I clean up while Jenny mixes in the chocolate chips. My coordination is messed up; I keep dropping the dishes that I am washing back into the soapy water in the sink. I know that it is because I'm starting to get nervous about Emily who is supposed to show up in just over a half hour.

I bite my lip; Jenny is having a growth spurt right now so she should be tall enough to use the stove without the risk burning her arms on the elements. "Bring your stool over Jenny, I'm going to let you make your pancakes."

Jenny looks at me like I have just made her day, "Really Jessie? You're going to let me make two whole pancakes?"

I snicker "No, I'm going to let you make two half pancakes."

She pouts, "That wasn't funny Jessie."

Jenny makes her two pancakes without burning herself. The wattage from her grin could power the entire house. I finish making the other ten pancakes while Jenny eats. I will eat two and I can put the other eight back into the fridge. Maybe Emily will want one when she gets here. If not, Jenny and I could always eat them for supper.

We eat together for a few minutes before Jenny runs off to wash her face and rushes out the front door to catch her bus, leaving me to clean up the breakfast dishes. The elementary school is too far away for Jenny to walk but come September, Jenny will be in middle school and that is only a few miles away, if she cuts through the woods.

Emily pulls into the driveway about ten minutes after Jenny takes off and I almost want to ask her to pull her gorgeous red convertible around to the back where the neighbours can't see it, but that would be rude, and there is no need to be rude to Emily. I'll just have to hope that none of the neighbours see it and call my parents.

I wait for Emily to ring the bell before I answer the door. When I do, we stand there awkwardly for a minute before I open the screen door and let her inside. She moves past me and I feel a sense of relief, she is actually here, this is actually going to happen.

My "Hello," comes out in a whisper. I blush, ducking my head before looking up through my blonde eyelashes. I remind myself that this is the same person I have been writing to for the past two and a half years.

Emily's got this small smile on her face and her "Hello," is just a smidge louder than mine.

I take an uncertain step forwards, and so does Emily.

She sticks her hand out and I can see that Emily has been biting her nails. She told me once that it was a nervous habit; I hope meeting me was not the cause.

I don't shake her hand; instead, I take a deep breath before throwing my arms around her in a hug. This is going to be the easiest way to get over our joint anxiety.

Emily's arms wrap around me just as fiercely as mine wrap around her. "Hello little sister," says Emily.

I pull away slightly and look up at Emily, she's grinning and I grin back. "Hello big sister."

I find it funny that I have found the only person, besides Jenny, who can almost calm me with their presence twenty-six days before I am going to kill myself.

Sometimes I think things would have been easier if I had been born the middle child. If my parents had had a child before me, someone else would have been first. I would have had someone older than me to talk to on a regular basis. I could have been the little sister and been a terror on occasion, just like Jenny is for me. I think Emily is awesome and having her friendship has been wonderful these past few years but it's not the same as having an older sibling who lives with you. I love Jenny, but being the big sister is not the same. Taking care of Jenny is exhausting. I want someone who will take care of me.

I didn't take my medication today, and I haven't been taking any at all it since May 1st. Before that I would take it for a day or two in preparation for my Doctor's appointments, so that there would be medication in my system when my blood was tested.

The medication was supposed to stop the voice in my head. It doesn't, she's still there. The medication was supposed to make me less tired. I'm even more exhausted when I take the meds, I feel like I'm in a fog and moving through Jell-O. The medication was supposed to make me feel better, but I still want to die. I'm so very tired, I'm tired of medication that doesn't work, I'm tired of being sick, I'm tired of being tired. I'm drowning and that's okay with me. I'm prepared to let go; I have been ready for five months.

I even set my fail-safe date during the summer so that Jenny will have time before school starts. I know that everyone will be talking about what I'm going to do and I want Jenny to have a chance to recover a little bit before she has to face the masses.

I notice that Emily is looking at me strangely. She raises an eyebrow, "Lost in thought?"

I bite my lip and nod once, I can feel a blush colouring my cheeks. I take my arms back from around Emily.

She grins cheekily at me.

I try for a distraction, "Would you like a tour?"

Emily's lips twitch, I think she's going to say no, but she surprises me, "Sure."

I show her around the main floor, pointing out the half bath just incase she needs it later. I walk up the stairs first and Emily follows closely behind me. I'm trying to remember if I made my bed this morning. I sigh a little bit before opening my door; I hope Emily doesn't notice the tension in my body. "So this is my room," I say and cringe internally as soon as the words are out of my mouth.

Emily snickers quietly while moving further into my room. She's staring at my walls. I can hardly believe my parents actually let me paint my walls 'tangerine orange.' Emily moves closer to my desk, but she's not looking at my desk, she's looking at the framed photograph above it.

Emily turns back to me, her mouth slightly open in shock, "You actually framed it?"

I blush, before mumbling, "Of course I framed it. It's gorgeous." I narrow my eyes at her, "Your drawing is also surprisingly accurate. How do you know what our Faerie Princess looks like Emily?"

Emily looks away from my eyes for a second before she answers, "You told me what she looks like Jessie."

I frown, I know she is lying, "No I didn't Emily."

"Yes you did, you told me she looks like you," Emily says defensively.

I frown, "I didn't give very much detail Emily and you have a complete portrait of her."

Emily mumbles, "I have several."

I roll my eyes, "Okay you have several sketches but how did you know what she looks like?"

Emily crosses her arms and refuses to answer so I give in for now. She'll be here for hours; I can always spring it on her later. It's time for another change of topic and I fish around for a few seconds trying to pick one. "Did you eat breakfast? Jenny and I made pancakes, we have extra if you want some."

She smiles softly, "It's alright Jessie. I stopped to eat on the way here."

I cock my head, "Why do you call me Jessie? Why not JJ?"

Emily looks nervous, "You said that your friends call you JJ."

I nod, "Yes, my parents too, sometimes."

Emily's lips twitch, "And what does your little sister call you?"

I answer quickly, "Jenny calls me Jessie." It clicks, and I blush, "Oh."

Emily smiles at me, "If you don't like the implied bond I can stop calling you Jessie and go back to calling you JJ again."

"No, it's okay. Don't stop, please? I do like it." I frown, "Should I have been calling you something other than Emily?"

She shrugs, "If you can think of something sure, just not Emmy."

I laugh, "Why not Emmy Emily?"

Emily frowns, "It butchers my name and someone else calls me that."

"Who?" I ask curious.

She blushes.

I raise an eyebrow, "A boyfriend? I thought you didn't have a boyfriend?"

Emily turns redder and she rushes to explain, "No, not a boyfriend. Sometimes Matthew called me Emmy and-" Emily cuts herself off.

"And what?" I push.

"Nothing," she hedges.

I sigh, "Emily."

Emily is firm in her resolve, "Not now Jessie."

"Later then?" I ask cautiously.

She sighs, "Maybe."

I let it go, I don't want to push Emily away by prodding something she obviously doesn't want to talk about, "Shall we go downstairs?"

Emily smiles at me, "Lead the way."

We take blankets and pillows out to the tree house first. Then the food is hoisted up, followed by the two of us climbing up the extra strong, reinforced, rope ladder. There is no way that I want to climb up using the wooden blocks my dad nailed into the tree, only Jenny can use those safely.

Emily and I catch up for a few hours and after we eat lunch, the cooler goes in the corner next to the little generator and small heater my daddy added last year. Then Emily and I rearrange the sleeping bags, blankets and pillows until we can comfortably lie down on them. Emily lies down on her back and I curl up on my side facing her. I want to be able to see her facial reactions when we talk. I know that she doesn't have her perfect Ambassador's daughter mask up, because right now everything she is thinking is written across her face.

Emily looks calm, almost happy, "I'm glad I got up at two o'clock so that I could come meet you Jessie."

I smile at her, "I'm grateful you came Emily."

Emily's brow furrows, "Grateful Jessie? That's an odd word choice."

I bite my lip, "You know what I mean Emily."

She frowns, "No I don't Jessie, why don't you explain."

I need to change the subject quickly, "Why were you so strange when you were in Italy."

Emily looks puzzled, "What do you mean strange? And you still haven't explained Jessie."

I need to keep her on this topic, if we get to close to what I want to tell her, I'm likely to blurt it out and that would ruin the entire day. "I think I know you pretty well by now Emily and when we first started writing you were witty and sarcastic for the first two letters, then you were scared and withdrawn."

Emily purses her lips, "You could tell all of that through my letters?"

I smile softly at her, "You didn't censure yourself Emily."

She frowns, "I didn't?"

My lips twitch, "No, you didn't and you still don't. Do you ever reread what you've written?"

Emily frowns, "No, I just write it and then send it to you."

My smile widens, "See, you're not censuring yourself. Don't worry about it, I'm honoured and rather flattered that you don't."

Emily rolls her eyes.

"Will you tell me what happened?" I ask, probing lightly.

Emily looks at me, considering my question, "You can't talk while I'm talking okay Jessie?"

I nod, "I'll stay quiet Emily right up until you're finished talking."

Emily bites her fingernails, "You know just how much I moved around when I was a kid. By the time I got to Italy, I didn't have any friends left from the Ambassador's previous postings. I wanted to fit in so badly that when the queen bee from my new school said I had to sleep with Johnny I did. And I… I…"

I offer Emily my hand without a single word passing my lips while I wait for her to gather her thoughts.

She takes it and continues, "I slept with Johnny and I got pregnant."

I bite my lip so that I can't say anything.

Emily looks away, "Matthew was the first person I told. I think I knew what Johnny was going to say even before I told him. Anyway, Matthew suggested that I talk with our priest so I did and it went horribly. I couldn't tell my mother or father. They would have gone on and on about how I was ruining their perfect image by getting pregnant. My mother would have made me keep the baby but pulled me from school and sent me to a nunnery or locked me in the Embassy like she did in Ireland. You and Matthew were the two people who kept me sane and I couldn't even tell you."

I frown.

Emily looks sad, "No, don't look at me like that Jessie. You were twelve. You were innocent, you still are. You didn't need to hear about how horribly I messed up. You didn't need to know how terrified I was."

I squeeze Emily's hand, trying to offer both comfort and support without words.

"The normality and frequency of our letters helped keep me calm once the priest told me that if I had an abortion, I would no longer be welcome in his church or his congregation. There was no way I could have explained to my parents why I could no longer attend church with them." Emily snorts, "I had no idea what to do, I was actually considering telling my mother, even though I knew it would destroy everything and eventually kill me to be separated from both you and Matthew."

It's really difficult to keep my mouth shut, I want to tell Emily that I'm glad she didn't tell her mother, because I'm pretty sure I know what's coming next.

Emily shivers, "Matthew found a doctor two days before I was going to tell the Ambassador. He went with me Jessie. He stayed with me and held my hand. The two of you kept me sane. The doctor said that it would only hurt for a minute or two but god Jessie, it still hurts. Every bloody fucking day."

I scoot closer to Emily, and wrap my arms around her.

Emily wraps her limp arms around me, "The next Sunday after we got back to Rome, Matthew and I went to church. We were a little late, our parents were already there and Father Gamino was a few minutes into his opening sermon. That bastard actually stopped his sermon when we walked in. I was ready to turn and run but Matthew said that we belonged there just as much as anyone else and he took my hand. He gave me the strength I needed to face Father Gamino. We held our heads up high and walked to the front pew to sit down." Emily chuckles mirthlessly, "Matthew stared down Father Gamino, and eventually he started up his sermon again."

Emily pauses, she's crying now. I move away to grab a box to tissues; Emily doesn't seem to want to let me go. Emily dries her eyes but it's not very effective because she's still crying. "I'm the reason Matthew is so screwed up; my mistakes are why Matthew is taking drugs and destroying his life. I'm so very sorry. If I could take it back I would, but I can't."

I open my mouth to start talking, but I'm not sure if Emily's finished yet.

Emily says, "It's okay Jessie, you can talk now."

I breathe out, "Oh Emily," and I hug her as tightly as I can.

"Do you hate me now?" she whispers.

"Of course not," I roll my eyes, "I love you. You're my big sister. I could never hate you." I pause, biting my lip, "Besides, you kept me sane these past few months when I didn't want to go on."

"Jessie?" Emily asks hesitantly.

"I am so very tired," I whisper.

There must be something in my tone because Emily turns my head to face her, "I don't want you to die Jessie."

I avert my eyes, "Well I don't want you to die either Emily. Promise me that you won't."

I can see Emily frowning in my peripheral vision, "Promise you that I won't what Jessie?"

I frown, "Don't be obtuse Emily. Promise me that you won't kill your self."

Emily narrows her eyes and brings my face so close to hers that I cannot look away, "That's a double standard Jessie."

I shift uncomfortably, "Yes it is, but I still need you to promise me."

"I won't," she swears.

"Emily!" I plead.

Emily looks fierce, "No Jessie. You always say not to make promises that you can't keep. If you die Jessie, I'm not sure that I'll be able to keep that promise."

I pull my face out of Emily's hands, "You have to Emily. You have to keep your promise because I need you to meet the Faerie Princess. I need you to be her other mama."

"What are you talking about Jessie?" asks Emily, confused.

My voice is coloured with my determination, "I want to die Emily. I am going to die."

"No you are not!" protests Emily

I raise an eyebrow, "Who's going to stop me Emily? You?"

"I-" she cuts herself off.

I smile sadly, "That's what I thought. You can't because you understand."

"But I need you to be around Jessie," Emily looks like she's going to cry again.

I cock my head and look at Emily, "You would weigh your happiness against mine?"

"What about Jenny?" Emily protests, grasping at straws now, "She needs you. Your parents need you. What about the Faerie Princess Jessie? I thought you were waiting for her."

I frown, "I was waiting for the Princess and Jenny will be alright. I can't wait another year Emily. I just can't. I'm too tired of everything. Seeing you was the second to last thing on my list."

"What's the last?" asks Emily, trepidation filling her voice.

"Jenny's birthday," I say calmly.

"Oh Jessie," she breathes out.

I smile sadly at her.

Emily tilts her head while looking at me, "You're not going to wait till after your birthday?"

I shake my head.

Emily's forehead is full of lines, "Don't you want to turn sixteen? I know that fifteen is a horrible age, a horrible year. Sixteen is much better. I promise Jessie, life gets better."

"Mine won't," I say firmly.

"You can't know that," objects Emily.

I shrug, "But I do."

Emily narrows her eyes, "Your dreams Jessie? What if they're not real?"

I shake my head, "No, not my dreams Emily. I can feel it in every bone in my body. Nothing is going to get better if I wait, it will only get worse."

Emily frowns.

I sigh and look Emily right in her eyes, "Did you know that because I have amnesia, whomever attacked me last year is still out there?"

Emily looks worried, "I thought the police had some leads?"

I scowl, "They didn't pan out."

Now Emily looks frightened, "Can't the police do anything?"

I shake my head, "No."

She frowns, "That's not right. They should be able to do something for you Jessie."

I shrug.

Emily pushes gently, "And you can't remember anything Jessie? Nothing at all?"

I bite my lip, "Well, I'm pretty sure they're classmates of mine, or at least they go to the same school as me."

She smiles a pained smile, "Well that's something, how many kids go to your school? How do you know that?"

"We have about 5 000 students Emily. The high school is for the entire county and the next one over as well." I shiver, "They've been sending me letters Emily."

Emily is a little bit excited, "Have you told anyone? What do the letters say?"

My words are emotionless; I have to cut myself off from my feelings to get the proper words out. "You, and the letters are cut and pasted from magazines and newspapers that we have access to at school. They talk about what a good time they had with me last year and how they can't wait for the next time."

Emily wraps her arms around me and I lean into her.

I shudder, "I can't go back to school Emily. I can't face them, it doesn't matter that I have no idea who did it or who is sending the letters. I am physically unable to bring them to justice because I don't know who they are."

Emily sighs, "I think I understand Jessie."

I pull back from Emily so that I can face her again, "So I have your permission then?"

Emily narrows her eyes; "You want my permission for what?"

I avert my eyes for a second to compose myself, "I want you to say that it's okay for me to let go."

She looks incredulous, "You want my blessing to kill yourself?"

I bite my lip, "Not exactly, I want you to acknowledge that I can't keep going like this. I'm drowning Emily. I want you to say that it's okay to give up. That I can stop treading water."

Emily looks stubbornly away from me, "I won't give it to you! I think you should live! I need you to live!" by the end of her mini tirade, Emily has tears running down her face.

I grab a tissue and wipe away her tears.

Emily straightens up from her hunched over position, "If I don't give you what you want, will you keep living?"

"No," I shake my head slowly. "It won't change much. I would feel a little better about it and I believe that you would feel better in the long run."

"What about our plans Jessie?" asks Emily with a small amount of hope in her eyes.

I raise an eyebrow, prepared to crush her futile hope, "They were your plans Emily. Didn't you notice that I never made any?"

She sighs, "I did notice, I just didn't think anything of it."

I smile at her, "Light a candle for me Emily."

"Jessie," protest Emily.

I blink a few times slowly, "It will make you feel better Emily. You know it will."

"I know." Emily is crying into my hair again, "I just don't want you to die."

I rub the back of my neck with one hand nervously, "You should light a candle for your baby as well."

"Jessie?" Emily looks confused.

"The one you aborted Emily," I say as gently as possible.

Emily flinches.

I squeeze her hand in mine, "Think about it Emily. Light a candle and give the child a name. Find somewhere to bury the paper with the name of your child on it. Make a little headstone out of rocks or an Inuksuk (In-ook-shook), a little stone person. It will help you, I promise. You haven't mourned the child you think you murdered. If you truly believe that aborting that baby saved your life then you need to understand that you survived. You're still here Emily Prentiss. You're alive and you deserve the chance to mourn for what might have been."

"What do I name it?" she whispers.

I frown, "First, don't call the baby an it. It would have been your child Emily. Then you have to pick a gender. Male or female Emily?"

Emily shivers, "I don't know Jessie."

"Don't over think it Emily, go with your gut." I push, "Spit it out."

"Female," says Emily.

"Okay, it's a girl." I hold Emily's hand tighter, "Now you need to pick a name."

Emily frowns, "I don't know Jessie."

I frown, "What about a meaning Emily?"

"Sorrow," she whispers.

"Alright." I pause for a minute, "We have a baby book inside do you want me to get it?"

Emily nods wordlessly.

I climb down the rope ladder and run to the house. I take the basement stairs two at a time. The baby book is on our bookshelves downstairs in our mini library. I grab the book, a pen and some paper, and rush back to Emily; I don't want to leave her alone for very long.

We look though the book, and make a list of potential names. On one hand, I think that Emily should be doing this by herself. On the other hand, I am touched that she would let me be here with her. I want to know that Emily will be okay when I'm gone.

Emily finally decides on a name: Eris Dree Prentiss. Eris means strife and it is from Greek Mythology. While Dree is Scottish and means sorrow. It is a fitting name for Emily's child.

We spend a few more hours talking together about nothing in particular. Just enjoying each other's company. Before Emily leaves for the day, we say good-bye without actually saying good-bye to one another. It is tear-filled for both of us.

I hug her fiercely, "I'm really glad that I got to meet you Emily."

Emily hugs me back just as tightly, "I'm very happy to have met you as well Jessie."

I rest my head on her shoulder, "Love you Emily."

Emily kisses the op of my head, "I love you and I will miss you Jessie."

"Good-bye," I whisper as Emily backs out and drives away.

I have so much left to do and not much time with which to do it. C. S. Lewis wrote "If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world." The only thing I want out of this world is to see my little's sister's birthday. Nothing else can be given to me here. I will just have to meet my Faerie Princess on the other side.

26 days.

* * *

Can't even shout. Can't even cry.

The gentlemen are coming by.

Knocking on windows.

Knocking down doors.

They need to take seven and they might take yours.

Can't tell mom. Can't say a word.

You're going to die screaming but you won't be heard.

- Season 4, Hush, Buffy The Vampire Slayer

* * *

July 22nd, 1989

I open the door to Jenny's room without knocking; I don't want to disturb her. She looks so peaceful, curled up on her window seat reading a book. I wait a few minutes, basking in her innocence before I cross the room. I gently pull the book away and clasp Jenny's hands in mine. I take a deep breath and say, "Jenny, no matter what happens I want you to know that I love you." I need her to know how much I love her and that what happens is not her fault. She is not responsible.

Jenny hugs me tightly and her "I love you too Jessie," breaks my heart.

I wipe away the few tears that have fallen, "I want you to have my locket baby doll."

I can tell that she is stunned and maybe even a little excited, "I can't take this Jessie. It's your favourite necklace."

She is right, it is my favourite necklace, but that doesn't matter anymore. I feel like I'm drowning and I've already found my way out. So I smile at my little sister, my baby doll, my mini-me and say, "Yes you can. I want you to have it." It's true; I want Jenny to have my necklace.

She hugs me tightly as I clasp the necklace around her neck, "Thank you Jessie, I'll treasure it always."

I want to run from the room but I can't, today is Jenny's birthday and I need to make it special. So I pick up my giggling sister and place her back down on my lap, then I pull out my copy of Yeats' poetry from under the pillow on the window seat and read our favourite poem, The Stolen Child, aloud. I can recite it from memory, but I need to make Jenny happy and she is happiest when I read to her.

"Where dips the rocky highland

Of Sleuth Wood in the lake,

There lies a leafy island

Where flapping herons wake"

When Jenny falls asleep in my arms, she has one hand wrapped around her new necklace. I am going to miss Jenny, my little sister, my baby doll. I am going to miss meeting the Princess and I hope that Jenny can protect her. I have waited awfully long and I am so very tired. I hope that one day she can forgive me for what I am going to do.

One day.

* * *

Anyanka: How do you know the other world is any better than this?

Giles: Because it has to be.

- Season 3, The Wish, Buffy The Vampire Slayer

* * *

July 23rd, 1989

When I wake up in the morning the house is empty. Mama is out somewhere, daddy is at work and Jenny is at a friend's house. I write my note for Jenny first. I don't know what to tell her. I feel so broken. It is pitifully short, _Aisling: Protect the Princess. I love you baby doll._ I hope that Jenny remembers that Aisling (ash-ling) means vision, or dream. I put the note in an envelope addressed to Jenny and leave it on her pillow. I sit on her window seat for a few minutes reminiscing.

I shiver when I rise and leave the room; it feels like someone just walked over my grave.

The next thing I do is walk over to the mailbox, which is two blocks from the house. I want to feel the sun on my face and hear the birds sing one last time. I also want to mail my final letter for Emily. She deserves to know what happened even if she does not agree with my choice, but like she said, it is my choice to make.

I return to my bedroom and write out my final letter. I remove my ink blotter, underneath on the desk are two words. 'I WIN'. I don't remember writing it. I place my letter on my desk, it isn't a letter so much as it's a section of Yeats' poem The Stolen Child:

Away with us he's going,

The solemn-eyed:

He'll hear no more the lowing

Of the calves on the warm hillside

Or the kettle on the hob

Sing peace into his breast,

Or see the brown mice bob

Round and round the oatmeal chest.

For he comes, the human child,

To the waters and the wild

With a faery, hand in hand,

For the world's more full of weeping than he can understand.

I take one last look around my room before I reach for my razor blade. I'm pretty sure that I've got my anatomy right; I aced my advanced biology class after all. There should be an artery right here on my upper arm. Watching the blood pour out of my arm is calming. I am so tired and so very cold. I don't feel like I'm drowning anymore. I hope Jenny isn't the one who finds me. _Are you waiting for me my Faerie Princess?_

* * *

I may not have gone where I intended to go,

but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.

– Douglas Adams

* * *

AN2: If you want to read Jessie's letter to Emily, please read my other story If You Survive. It's in there.

AN3: Next section will be from Jennifer's point of view and will be posted on June 28th 2012.


	5. Back to the Beginning

AN: This section is told from Jennifer's (JJ's) point of view. We're going back in time a little bit to before Jessie committed suicide.

*** Jessie was called JJ first. ***

Thank you for reading. Please review.

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds, Lewis Carroll's Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, William B. Yeats' poem The Stolen Child, Shakespeare's Macbeth, the Scottish ballad of Tam Lin, Robert Burns' John Barleycorn nor do I own O.R. Melling's series The Chronicles of Faerie.

I do however own JJ's family: Alexandra (Sandra), Roger, Jessica and Alice Catherine. As well as Jessie's aunt and cousin: Charlotte and Tanya. And the White's, Sheriff Vaughn, Michael Alexander and Rafe.

* * *

Jennifer's Story

* * *

PART 2.1

* * *

Having a sister is like having a best friend you can't get rid of.

You know whatever you do, they'll still be there.

- Anonymous

* * *

July 22nd, 1978

Four-year-old Jessica Jareau runs into the hospital room, closely followed by her father. Jessie climbs up onto the hospital bed where her mother is resting, a tiny pink bundle cradled in her arms.

"Mama did you have the baby?" Jessie loudly yells out her question.

"Shh! Sweetheart, don't wake your baby sister," whispers her mother Sandra.

"My baby sister?" queries Jessie. She moves closer to her mother curiously.

Sandra turns to her husband, "Roger pick JJ up will you? I want her to see Jennifer."

Roger, scoops Jessie up, bringing her level with her mother's face so that she can look down on the tiny pink bundle in her mother's arms.

"Well, what do you think little lady?" he asks with a proud smile on his face and happiness evident in his voice.

"My baby doll," Jessie says.

"No JJ, she's not a doll, that is your baby sister Jennifer," says Roger firmly.

"No, she's a baby doll," insists Jessie with a pout reaching out for Jennifer, "My baby doll."

Roger sighs, "I think she needs another nap."

Sandra laughs quietly.

* * *

I heard this whisper and I wondered,

I heard this laugh and then I knew.

The time is getting near my friends,

The time that I hold dear my friends,

The veil is getting thin my friends,

And strange things will pass through.

- The Veil is Getting Thinner

* * *

October 31st, 1985

Today is Halloween. Jessie has been wandering around all afternoon whispering, "Double, double toil and trouble; fire burn and cauldron bubble" under her breath. Jessie told me that it's from Shakespeare's Macbeth. Jessie loves poetry; she has so many books that daddy had to make bookshelves for her.

Jessie and I are going trick-or-treating in a few hours. Mama says we can't stay out late because we have school tomorrow. Jessie and I are dressing as Faeries. Not like Tinkerbelle, but real Faeries from the Otherworld. Jess drew the pictures for our costumes and Mama made them: a flowing green tunic, brown leggings and flowers for our hair but no wings.

When Daddy said we're going to look silly as fairies without wings Jessie got angry.

"It's Faerie daddy," she said with her hands on her hips, "Not fairy. And, the Sidhe (shee) don't need wings, only the tiny Faeries do. "

Daddy rolled his eyes, "Alright pumpkin, whatever you say."

When we get back home, mama and daddy check our candy while Jessie and I get ready for bed. Every year it's the same thing, before I fall asleep Jessie creeps into my room with three tea candles a small black pot and a match. She sets the candles in the black pot on my window seat next to her and beckons me over. I throw off my covers, climb out of bed quickly and rush over to my sister.

As she lights the candles Jessie says, "Tonight is Samhain Jenny. Tonight is the beginning of the new year."

I am confused, "I thought New Year's was in January Jessie?"

She smiles down at me, "Normally yes, but we're celebrating the Celtic New Year tonight Jenny, the Faerie New Year."

I smile up at her, "Okay Jessie. But why are you lighting a candle?"

"I am lighting three candles Jenny," she teases me.

I pout and poke her in the ribs.

She laughs quietly, "One candle for me, one candle for you and one candle for the Princess."

"The Princess? What Princess? Do I know her?" I question.

"Not yet, but you will," she promises.

After we climb into my bed, Jessie tells me the story of Tam Lin, a prisoner of the Faerie Queen. She tells me how his true love Janet rescued him by holding onto him even though he kept being changed into different animals by the Queen.

When the story is finished, Jessie looks at me with tears in her eyes, "Don't ever let me go. Promise me Jenny."

I rest my head on her shoulder, "I promise Jessie."

"I love you baby doll," she says to me, smiling through her tears.

I whisper back, "I love you too Jessie."

* * *

"We'll be Friends Forever, won't we Pooh?" asked Piglet.

"Even longer," Pooh answered.

- A.A. Milne

* * *

January 23rd, 1986

Jessie got mail today; it came all the way from Italy. The stamp is really funny looking; it has a boot on it. Jessie says she has a pen pal and her name is Emily, she lives in Italy and goes to high school. That makes Emily old. I want a pen pal, I think it would be really neat but I don't write very well yet. Maybe when I'm as old as Jessie I can have a pen pal too.

Emily sent a picture with her letter. She is really pretty; she has black hair and brown eyes. She looks so very different than Jessie and me. We have blonde hair and blue eyes. Jessie's eyes change colour. I wonder if Emily's eyes change colour too. Maybe Emily is lonely. I told Jessie that she should send a picture of both of us to Emily so that Emily will have two new friends. Jessie didn't like my idea and I don't know why.

Jessie says she is supposed to write back to Emily for school. I don't know why it's for school. Jessie said something about a mentoring program but I don't know what that means and Jessie was too busy to tell me. I tried to look it up but I can't spell it.

* * *

Guns don't kill people. People kill people.

- National Rifle Association (NRA)

* * *

March 21, 1987

Daddy has promised to take Jessie and I to the shooting range with him as soon as the snow is gone. I'm so very excited. I inherited Jessie's BB gun last year for my birthday and I'm a pretty good shot with it, but I want to be the best shot I can possibly be. I want to be better than Jessie and I want to be better than daddy.

I want to make my daddy proud. I already know that Jessie is proud of me, she taught me how to shoot her BB gun. We practised in the woods behind our house, Jessie showed me how to stand and how to aim. Then she would pick a target and I would try to hit it. It took a few months, but I got really good at hitting what I'm aiming for, as long as it was close. Jessie wasn't too picky about where I hit the bottles, provided they shattered.

We're supposed to work on my accuracy later today. Jessie said she has a surprise waiting for me out past the tree house. I hope it's something more interesting to shoot at, playing cards might be fun.

* * *

May the wings of the butterfly kiss the sun

And find your shoulder to light on,

To bring you luck, happiness and riches

Today, tomorrow and beyond.

- Irish Blessing

* * *

July 9th, 1987

Today Jessie and I are going to release my butterflies. We caught a whole bunch of them in the spring and then we put them into my clear plastic bug catchers. It's got a little magnifying glass on top so that you can see inside really well. Jessie and I put lots of leaves and twigs inside and we waited for the caterpillars to spin themselves cocoons. It took a couple of days and then it took a few weeks for them to all hatch. This is the second batch of butterflies we're releasing.

Jessie thought my butterflies were Monarchs, but I know she was wrong, and I told her so. They're Viceroys, Viceroys look similar to Monarchs but they only have one line of white dots around the edge of their wings instead of several. I did a project on them for school and I got an A+.

I'm not sad to set my butterflies free since they should be free anyway, but I'll be sad to see them leave because I've named them all. They are called; Oscar and Fella and Katie and Victoria and Thing One and Thing Two. It feels like I'm losing a whole bunch of friends.

Maybe Jessie and I can catch more caterpillars tomorrow, or maybe we could go to the library in the next town and get books on butterflies. I only have three and that's not nearly enough. What if I find a caterpillar, wait for it to turn into a butterfly and then I can't identify it? That would be horrible.

* * *

They took a plough and

Ploughed him down,

Put clods upon his head;

An' they hae sworn a solemn oath

John Barleycorn was dead.

- John Barleycorn by Robert Burns

* * *

August 1st, 1988

Today is Jessie's fifteenth birthday. Mama and daddy bought her a beautiful gold heart locket. I hope I get one just like it for my fifteenth birthday. I brought in the mail this morning and Jessie got a letter. She's really lucky; no one ever sends me letters. I thought it might be from her pen pal Emily but the stamp was from here so it can't be from Emily.

Today is also Lughnasadh (Loo-nah-saah), Lammas. Following the Celtic holidays has become a tradition of Jessie's and mine. Eight times a year, we get together in my bedroom to celebrate by lighting three candles: One for Jessie, one for myself and one for the Princess. Every time Jessie lights the third candle, I ask her who the Princess is and why we're lighting a candle for her. This year she answers me, "Jenny we are lighting a candle for her because she cannot yet light one for herself."

I want answers, "Is she alive then, but just too young to hold the match?"

Jessie doesn't answer my question, "She is a part of you and a part of me baby doll. You will know her when you hold her."

I frown, "Jessie, that doesn't make sense."

She laughs at me.

* * *

Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that.

Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.

- Martin Luther King Jr.

* * *

October 23rd, 1988

Today Jessie is coming home from the hospital. She has been there for a really long time, weeks and weeks. I don't know why it took so long to bring her home. Mama and daddy wouldn't let me visit Jessie. They don't want me to see her when she's hurt, something about not traumatizing me. It's silly though; I was there when she got hurt. How could seeing Jessie in the hospital be more traumatic than seeing your big sister attacked, beaten and then thrown off an embankment?

It was really scary. Jessie was protecting me. I thought she was going to drown in the creek. I waited till they left before I jumped in after her. I pulled her out and then soaking wet, I ran for help. I had to run a really long way through the woods before I found daddy.

I have spent a lot of time in Jessie's tree house these past two months. I miss my big sister. I even learned how to turn on the generator and the heater that my daddy put up there. This morning I moved all of the sleeping bags that were in the basement outside to Jessie's tree house. I'm hoping Jessie will spend time with me today after she gets home. I haven't seen her since the end of August, well before school started.

I have so much to tell Jessie. I made the soccer team again and I'm doing well in all of my classes. I know that Jessie got into the advanced Biology class that she wanted because I have her class schedule. I hope that Jessie will be completely better when she comes home from the hospital today. We have so much to do; Samhain is in eight days and Jessie needs to catch up on all the schoolwork she missed. Jessie's Christmas exams are less than two months away.

Jessie got a few letters while she was away, I don't think they're from that Emily person Jessie used to write to because she always had pretty stamps from different places in Europe. These ones are just regular stamps that mama and daddy buy at the post office. I heard mama and daddy talking about Jessie having a new pen pal for class. I can hardly wait for my turn to have a pen pal. If everything works out right, I'll have my very own pen pal in January.

* * *

Husbands come and go;

children come and eventually they go.

Friends grow up and move away.

But one thing that's never lost is your sister.

- Gail Sheeny

* * *

July 22nd, 1989

Jessie came into my bedroom and sat down next to me on my window seat, that our daddy built, where I was reading. She took the book away and clasped my hands in hers, "Jenny, no matter what happens I want you to know that I love you."

I hug her tightly, "I love you too Jessie."

She wipes some tears away, "I want you to have my locket baby doll."

I am stunned, "I can't take this Jessie. It's your favourite necklace."

She smiles at me, "Yes you can. I want you to have it."

As she clasps the necklace around my neck, I hug my sister tighter, "Thank you Jessie. I'll treasure it always."

We sit there, curled around each other on my window seat for a few hours. Jessie reads Yeats' poem The Stolen Child aloud:

"Where dips the rocky highland

Of Sleuth Wood in the lake,

There lies a leafy island

Where flapping herons wake"

As I fall asleep in my sister's arms, one hand wrapped around Jessie's necklace, I think that this is the perfect end to a perfect birthday.

* * *

Between sisters, often, the child's cry never dies down.

"Never leave me," it says; "do not abandon me."

- Louise Bernikow

* * *

July 23rd, 1989

I run all the way home as fast as my newly eleven year old legs can carry me. I spent a wonderful afternoon at Megan's house swimming in her pool, but I have to get home right now. Something is wrong; I can feel it in my stomach. Jessie's necklace is bouncing against my chest, it keeps hitting me in the face so I grab it with my hand and push my legs to go faster. She gave it to me yesterday, for my eleventh birthday; it's her favourite necklace. I don't know why she gave it to me. It's so beautiful. I've wanted one just like it since she got it for her fifteenth birthday, almost a year ago.

I finally make it to our front door, out of breath and panting harshly. I pull my house key out of my shorts' pocket. Trying to get the door to open after I insert the key into the lock is really difficult. Stupid door, open up already, I want to see my big sister. "Jessie!" I call out to the silent house. "Mama! Daddy! Jessie where are you?" There is no answer. I rush up the stairs towards Jessie's bedroom "Jessie where are you?" I knock on her door but there is no answer. It's weird; she should be home by now.

When I open the door to Jessie's orange and pink room, it's all I can do not to scream. She is covered in blood. _Oh god Jessie. What have you done?_ I take three steps closer to my sister, who is sitting, slumped over in her desk chair. There are bloody cuts all over her arms and there is spatter on her chest, she must have nicked an artery. _I think I'm going to be sick._ I feel her neck, to see if there is a pulse. There isn't one. I'm too late.

There is a circle made out of chalk on the carpet and the phrase 'A year and a day' is carved into her wooden desk. There is also a note on her desk, just under the carving. It's part of our favourite poem, the final verse of Stolen Child by William Butler Yeats:

Away with us he's going,

The solemn-eyed:

He'll hear no more the lowing

Of the calves on the warm hillside

Or the kettle on the hob

Sing peace into his breast,

Or see the brown mice bob

Round and round the oatmeal chest.

For he comes, the human child,

To the waters and the wild

With a faery, hand in hand,

For the world's more full of weeping than he can understand.

I back up to the wall and slide down it. _She's gone._ I think I'm going to be sick. _I can't leave her here alone. No, wait, she's not gone. I know what the circle is for; it's a Faerie circle. And the poem, it's about going away to the Otherworld, to Annwyn. A year and a day, I can wait a year and a day. Jessie will come back. She has to come back._

I am still sitting on the floor by Jess' door when our parents come home. Our mama falls to the floor, crying and screaming. Our daddy checks her pulse. I know there isn't one but I can't say anything. There is blood on my hands; it won't come off no matter how hard I rub them on the carpet. Our daddy sends me back to my room. He doesn't touch me. He can't even look at me. Our mama is holding Jessie's bloody body tightly. She doesn't see me either. I think Jessie's 'death' has broken our parents.

On my pillow, there is a white envelope with my name written in Jess' handwriting, I would recognize it anywhere. I am disappointed; the letter inside is short and confusing. All it says is: _Aisling: Protect the Princess. I love you baby doll._ I hide the note under my mattress; I don't show it to the police when they come to ask my questions. The note is for me alone.

* * *

AN2: The next chapter will be posted on July 1st 2012.


	6. A Year and a Day

AN: This section is told from JJ's point of view. This section takes place right after Jessie committed suicide.

*** Jessie was called JJ first. ***

Thank you for reading. Please review.

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds, Lewis Carroll's Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, William B. Yeats' poem The Stolen Child, Shakespeare's Macbeth, the Scottish ballad of Tam Lin, Robert Burns' John Barleycorn nor do I own O.R. Melling's series The Chronicles of Faerie.

I do however own JJ's family: Alexandra (Sandra), Roger, Jessica and Alice Catherine. As well as Jessie's aunt and cousin: Charlotte and Tanya. And the White's, Sheriff Vaughn, Michael Alexander and Rafe.

* * *

Jennifer's Story

* * *

PART 2.2

* * *

Do not stand at my grave and weep

I am not there, I do not sleep

I am a 1,000 winds that blow

I am the diamond glints on snow

I am the sun on ripened grain

I am the gentle autumn rain

When you awaken in the morning's hush

I am the swift uplifting rush

Of quiet birds in circled light

I am the soft star that shines at night

Do not stand at my grave and cry

I am not there; I did not die.

- Mary Elizabeth Frye

* * *

August 1st, 1989

_Lughnasadh (Loo-nah-saah) Happy Birthday Jessie! You've only been dead a week and I miss you so very much. I miss listening to you read poetry aloud and I miss hearing you sing in the shower. For the first time ever, I am alone. Mama won't get out of bed and daddy has locked himself away in the garage for the past week. My god Jessie, he built your coffin._

_We had to bury you this morning. The sun was shining; they wanted to put Faerie wings on your gravestone Jessie. I insisted that they put a bird on it instead. Mama didn't understand. I tried to explain but she didn't want to know. Finally Daddy capitulated. I put our favourite poem in the coffin with you. Mama couldn't leave your grave and Daddy cried all day. I have never seen daddy cry before. You broke them Jess._

_I cleaned your room Jessie. Mama and daddy won't enter. Your door is always closed. I washed your carpet; I never knew the human body could hold so much blood in it. I washed your desk, where did that carving come from Jessie? Did you do it? What were you thinking? Why did you do it? Why did you leave me here alone? Was life so horrible here that you couldn't wait to get away? I want to understand but I don't._

_I even washed off the spatter from your portrait of the Faerie Princess. I'm going to keep that one okay Jessie? I'm going to hide your letters from Emily too. I know that she kept writing to you even after you told me that you had stopped talking. I'm not mad that you lied to me Jessie, I promise. I'm going to keep everything for you. Just until you get back, because I need to believe that you are coming back to me, that I will see you again. A year and a day, Jess. So I'm going to light three candles tonight: one for you, one for me and one for the Princess. I don't know who she is Jess, but I believe you. I trust you and I miss you, please come back._

* * *

If thou openest not the gate to let me enter,

I will break the door, I will wrench the lock,

I will smash the door-posts, I will force the doors.

I will bring up the dead to eat the living.

And the dead will outnumber the living.

- Ishtar's Descent Into the Underworld

* * *

October 31st, 1989

Oidhche Shamhna (Oy-hya How-na) Halloween. I didn't dress up for Halloween today and I refused to go out. We were supposed to write Halloween poems in class today, I couldn't. It hurt too much. I told my teacher that I was feeling sick and she sent me to the nurse. Mama and daddy wouldn't come get me so I stayed there all afternoon.

_I read the ballad of Tam Lin today Jessie. It wasn't the same without you there. I tried reading it out loud like you used to do for me, but I just sound hollow. I miss you Jessie. I thought you wanted to meet the Faerie Princess, the one whose picture still hangs above your desk. I was sure you were waiting for her. What am I going to do without you? What am I supposed to do if the Faerie Princess shows up before you do? I don't know what to do Jessie._

_Tonight is the time when the veil between life and death is the thinnest. I hope you can hear me. I miss you. I need you here. Mama and daddy are still a mess Jessie. I am so alone. No one understands. Is this what it felt like for you? You could have talked to me Jessie I would have listened. I could have done something, anything. I was never alone before because I had you. Now I don't have you. I miss you, please come back._

* * *

A tule fog

fills the sky-

Yuletide.

- Michael P. Garofalo

* * *

December 21st, 1989

___Winter Solstice, Yule. It's almost Christmas Jessie. I made you a present in school. I guess I can tell you now; it's a new set of three candlesticks, one for each of our candles. I miss you, please come back._

_Mama and daddy have been calling me by your old nickname, JJ for months now. It makes me feel sick every time I hear it because it reminds me of you and that you're gone. I miss you so much Jessie._

_I heard mama and daddy talking about having another baby Jess. I can hardly believe it: they want to replace you! You need to come back so that they don't need another kid Jessie. I don't want anyone else but you._

_I'm going to spend the night in your tree house. I've got sleeping bags and blankets and pillows. It's not very cold; we don't even have snow yet. I'm going to light our candles out there. You should be able to see the candle light if you're looking Jessie. I'm going to put them on the railing instead of the window ledge._

* * *

Away in a meadow all covered with snow

The little old groundhog looks for his shadow

The clouds in the sky determine our fate

If winter will leave us all early or late.

- Don Halley

* * *

February 2nd, 1990

Imbolc (IM-bulK)_. Oh god Jessie, mama's pregnant. She is already carrying around a baby name book, and daddy is talking about bringing out the crib he made for you Jessie. I think I'm going to be sick. They're really going to replace you. Please come back. I don't want another sibling. I only want you._

_I light a candle in my window every night for you Jessie, please come back. Come home. A year and a day, Jessie you promised! Please come back, Jessie I need you!_

_I'm spending the night in your tree house again, the one that daddy built for you. I forgot to pull up the rope ladder last time and mama wanted to know why I had been playing in your tree house. I don't think she wants me to go up there. Not because it might be dangerous or because I might die of hypothermia but because the tree house was yours; daddy built if for you. So it reminds mama and daddy of you._

_It was very cold and I'm glad daddy added a small generator powered heater before you died Jessie. I wanted to feel closer to you Jessie. I know that sometimes you spent your nights out there instead of in bed, but I don't want to die of hypothermia._

Last year I asked my English teacher about the pen pal program that Jessie was part of when she was in grade seven. Mrs. Grant said that it doesn't exist anymore.

_ I could really use a pen pal right now. I miss you so much Jessie. I just want someone to talk too. Mama and daddy won't talk to me and none of my friends understand. I wonder if Emily knows you've gone away for a while Jessie. Did you say good-bye to everyone Jessie? Are you coming back? Please come back! I need you Jessie._

* * *

Because fear and anger, they are law unto themselves.

- The Weight of Love, Snow Patrol

* * *

June 14th, 1990

"JJ, come downstairs please," calls my father.

"Coming daddy," I answer. _What do they want this time? I can't possibly have done something wrong; I've only been home for ten minutes._

My father smiles at me from his seat on the couch, "Don't worry, you're not in trouble."

My mother waddles slowly into the living room, holding a bowl of strawberries, and takes a seat on the couch. At seven and a half months pregnant, she's always tired and hungry. She pats the seat cushion between them, "JJ, please sit with us."

I sit down cautiously. _This is a trap, what do they want?_

Clutched tightly in my mother's hands is the Baby Name book that she has been carrying around with her for the past six months.

The sight of the book makes my stomach roll.

"JJ," starts my mother cautiously, "We would like you to pick your little brother or sister's middle name."

I stand up quickly, trying to get away. I am stunned and then I feel the anger rising in me like the tide. _If I name my parent's child, then everything will be real. The baby will be real and Jessie will really be gone. She can't leave; she's my big sister. What am I going to do without her?_ "You want me to name your replacement child!" I yell, "I can't believe that you! I will not help you replace Jessie!"

My mother gasps in shock and starts sobbing

I immediately feel bad, but it's too late to take my words back and I'm not sure I would, even if I could. I've been so angry with my parent's ever since Jessie died eleven months ago.

My father looks like he wants to get up from the couch where he is comforting my mother and smack me, instead he says "JJ! Apologize to your mother immediately."

"I'm sorry," I spit out venomously.

I storm out of the living room and rush up to my bedroom where I slam the door. I collapse on my bed sobbing. _Why did you die Jess? Why did you leave me here alone?_

When I finally fall asleep, my dreams are filled with Jess and a tiny little blonde haired blue-eyed girl who follows me around the same way I used to follow Jess around.

* * *

It's like we just can't help ourselves

'Cause we don't know how to back down

- Called Out In The Dark, Snow Patrol

* * *

June 15th, 1990

When I wake up the next morning, the baby name book is lying on my nightstand. I want to rip it to shreds, but I don't because that would hurt my parents even more. I am sorry that I yelled at them, but I am not sorry about the way I feel. My parent's are replacing Jessica. Jessie, my big sister, she hasn't even been dead for a year and they are already moving on, having another kid. I leave the book alone and go to school.

That night I have another dream about the tiny blonde haired blue-eyed girl. This time, she's wearing a blue dress and a white pinafore. She can't be more than three or four. Her tiny arms are wrapped around my neck and I'm carrying her around in my arms. When we reach Jess who is sitting on a porch swing, Jess kisses her forehead and calls her Princess. In my dream I call her Kitty Cat and she calls me Jenny. I don't know why, but I feel like I should know the little girl.

* * *

Aisling (ash-ling): vision or dream, a Gaelic literary genre.

* * *

June 16th, 1990

I wake up to the sun streaming through my window. Thank goodness it's Saturday. I don't think I can make it through another day of school. That damn baby book is still on my nightstand. I throw it across the room and am satisfied by the thump it makes upon impact with my wall.

I can hear my father calling my name from downstairs. I can smell the coffee and bacon already so I climb out of bed and go downstairs to eat breakfast with my parents. I miss Jessie, I don't want to have a new little brother or sister.

That night I have a third dream about Jessie and the little girl she calls Princess. This time we're in a small apartment and Jessie is making blueberry pancakes for the three of us. They both look older than the last time I saw them, Jessie must be in almost finished university by now. The Princess is almost identical to the photographs of Jess and myself when we were about five years old.

* * *

Show me now show me the arms aloft

Every eye trained on a different star

This magic this drunken semaphore.

- Called Out In The Dark, Snow Patrol

*Semaphore: a system of sending messages by holding the arms or two flags or poles in certain positions according to an alphabetic code.

* * *

June 17th, 1990

_Okay Jessie, I get it. You want me to pick a name for your replacement child. I don't want to but I will. _I pick up the offensive book from where it landed yesterday, after I threw it across my room and open it to the first page._ If I'm going to do this; name the baby, I need to do it right, for Jessie and for me and for the baby. Even if I don't want the kid around, I don't want it to be stuck with an awful name either._

It takes me all day to read through the book, but I finally whittle my list down to three: one boy's name and two girl's names. Now I just have to wait about two months and I can name the kid. I wonder what horrible name my parents might have come up with.

* * *

Making the decision to have a child is momentous.

It is to decide forever to have your heart

go walking around outside your body.

- Anonymous

* * *

June 20th, 1990

Mama and I are having another argument when her water brakes. I am so very scared. _It's too early for the baby to be coming now, nine weeks too early. What if something is wrong? What if the kid dies? Will it be my fault because I argued with my mama about Jessie's bedroom being turned into a nursery?_

I call my daddy at work because mama is in pain and she's panicking. He brings mama to the hospital but leaves me home alone. Daddy tells me that my aunt Charlotte will come and get me later, after she picks up my little cousin Tanya from daycare. I want to go to the hospital with my parents now. _What if the baby dies?_

_Jessie, are you coming back already? I thought it was supposed to be a year and a day. It's too early Jessie. Please don't let the baby die, it's too early. Mama and daddy will be even more broken if the baby dies too Jessie. I'm only eleven; I need them whole._

* * *

'Cause you can see the road ahead in your dream

And the engine's more a sigh than a scream

And your ghosts look more like angels from there

And the coast comes like a raft of warm air.

- The Symphony, Snow Patrol

* * *

June 21st, 1990

"Her name is Alice, JJ," my mother places the tiny pink bundle in my arms. Carefully, I support her head. Alice, of noble kin, I want to laugh and cry at the same time. Looking down at her sleeping face, I am reminded of a conversation I had with Jess last year on June 20th, a few weeks before she died:

_"Baby doll, pay attention." Jess was very insistent, "A year and a day Jenny, you mustn't forget."_

_I was looking at the pictures in my new book, "Why a year and a day Jessie? Why not a year?"_

_She lifted my chin with her finger, forcing me to look at her, "Because it's about Faeries Jenny. Faerie circles."_

_I traced the picture of a Faerie in my book with my finger, "Oh. Okay Jessie."_

_She kissed my forehead and said, "Light a candle for me Jenny."_

_I was confused, "I don't understand Jessie. Why would I need to light a candle for you, why can't you light it for yourself?"_

_She hugged me tightly, "I love you Jenny."_

_I was so very confused, "I love you too Jessie."_

She's so tiny. When she opens her blue eyes to look at me, I am struck by her resemblance to Jessie and myself. For the first time in a long while, I don't feel sick when I think of Jess. _She's not you Jessie; I thought you would come back to me! A year and a day, eleven months is too early, she was born too early. She's not you. I'm never going to get you back am I?_

I'm still staring at the tiny baby in my arms, I kiss Alice's forehead and silently promise to protect her. She doesn't have anyone else; my parent's don't count._ I'll protect you; I won't let anyone ruin you. You're not Jessie. But you will be your own person, I don't care what anyone else thinks, you're pure, untainted, you're my baby sister. I'm going to give you a good name, a strong name. I don't want you to be a warrior; I'll be your warrior. I will be your knight. I will protect you._

I turn to my parents, with the tiny pink bundle in my arms, "Catherine, her name is Catherine." _A Faerie Princess. My Faerie Princess._

"Alice Catherine Jareau," whispers my mother to my little sister. "It's perfect."

* * *

AN2: The next chapter wil be posted on July 4th 2012.

AN3: HAPPY CANADA DAY! :)


	7. My Saving Grace

AN: This section is told from JJ's point of view. It picks up a few months after Alice Catherine was born. Thank you for reading, please review.

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds, Shel Silverstein's A Light in the Attic, Ford, The Wizard of Oz, Sharon Lois and Bram.

I do however own JJ's family: Alexandra (Sandra), Roger, Jessica and Alice Catherine. As well as Jessie's aunt and cousin: Charlotte and Tanya. And the White's, Sheriff Vaughn, Michael Alexander and Rafe.

* * *

Jennifer's Story

* * *

PART 3.1

* * *

There's a light on in the attic.

Though the house is dark and shuttered.

I can see a flickerin' flutter,

- A Light In The Attic, Shel Silverstein

* * *

October 31st, 1990

Today is Samhain. It's been one year and one hundred days since Jessie died. The letters stopped coming after Jessie died. Does that mean her friend Emily knows? Should I try and reach out to her? Should I write to her and tell her? She must know. Do I want to know the person who wrote to Jessie for three and a half years? I suppose I sort of already know her, I mean I have her letters to Jessie. She's really funny in some of them and in others she's so sad that I just want to hug her. I feel like I know her, even though we have never met and she probably has no idea that I have her letters to Jessie. I wonder if Emily kept the ones that Jessie sent her? I hope she did, she must be really important for Jessie to have kept every single letter. Maybe one day Alice Catherine and I can meet her… or not. That would involve reaching out. What if she doesn't want to talk to me? What if she blames me for Jessie's death? I don't want to think about Emily anymore.

These past few months have been difficult. Mama and daddy seem to have thought that having a baby would fix the gaping hole Jess' death left in our family. It hasn't and it won't. Mama can hardly get out of bed most days and daddy is always in the garage or his office. The first little while was okay I suppose. Alice Catherine had to stay at the hospital for a few weeks because she was born nine weeks early. Mama and daddy were always there with her. I stayed with Aunt Charlotte and my little cousin Tanya and I visited as much as I could.

Alice Catherine was born on the summer solstice; I lit a candle for her when she was only a few hours old. I didn't want her to die. Well, if I'm going to be honest, I should be honest in just how selfish I was, I didn't want my baby sister to die because I didn't want to lose my final connection to Jessie. I realized then that Jessie is dead and that she isn't going to come back. I want her too, but it isn't going to happen. I miss her so much. Taking care of my Alice Catherine makes me feel a little bit better.

Alice Catherine is defenseless; I am going to be her protector. My parents won't, they can't even look at us. I have been feeding myself because they feed, bathe and change her, but it's robotic, there are no emotions attached to it. How dare they think a baby would fix everything! How dare they bring her into this world when they can't even look at us! Daddy makes dinner because mama wont get out of bed most days but I make myself lunch. I am twelve years old; I don't know how I'm going to take care of an infant when I can barely take care of myself.

I've been playing soccer at school again. Jessie used to come to all my games and most practices, but I have had no one there for the past year. Maybe I should bring Alice Catherine with me. I'll ask my coach about it, Alice Catherine could sleep in her car seat. I'll have to run home after school before practice but I can do it. Home is only a few miles from school, I could run to get the Faerie Princess and then walk back. I don't want to leave her home alone with mama all day. I really hope my coach agrees. I wonder if I can find one of those backpack baby carriers in the attic that would make it so much easier to carry Alice Catherine, I know mama had one for Jess and I. We are going to practice in the gymnasium all winter so I won't have to worry about leaving my baby sister outside.

_It has taken more than a year, but I don't mind it quite so much anymore when mama and daddy call me JJ. Even my soccer coach has been calling me JJ lately. It's like you never even existed Jessie. I don't want that, but I would like to keep your nickname, so that part of you will live on in me as well as the Faerie Princess. Is that okay Jessie? Do I have your permission to use and keep your nickname?_

I'm standing in the doorway to Alice Catherine's nursery. It used to be my bedroom; I gave it up so that she would not have to live in the room Jessie committed suicide in. The four-month-old Faerie Princess is asleep in her crib. I wanted to do this on Jessie's birthday but I couldn't bring myself to enter Alice Catherine's nursery so I lit the three candles alone in my bedroom. I wish that we had a four-bedroom house. I don't always like sleeping in Jessie's room sometimes it feels like I'm intruding.

I'm going to tell her the story of Tam Lin tonight. I know that she does not understand words yet, but I think she recognizes my voice. I think I'm the only one who talks to her. Aunt Charlotte comes over sometimes and coos at her, making noises and using a baby voice. I use real words. I want my baby sister to love poems and reading as much as Jess did and I do. I want Alice Catherine to know of Faeries and all the wonders of written and spoken words. I want her to be whatever and whoever she wants to be.

I think that we make a strange but fitting pair, she doesn't have anyone except me and I don't have anyone except her. Our parents don't count. They barely look at me and they can barely stand to look at Alice Catherine. She has the same eyes as Jessie and myself, Faerie eyes. They change colour, from light blue to dark blue to a stormy grey. I think that my baby sister, Alice Catherine, my Faerie Princess deserves everything I can possibly give her and more.

I set up the three white candles with their candlesticks on the window seat, in the small black pot that Jessie and I have always used. Then I wake up Alice Catherine gently. It's a good thing that she doesn't cry out, it might have woken up our parents. I don't think they know what Jessie and I were doing together, and what I have been doing alone since she died.

I pick up Alice Catherine's blanket and wrap her tightly in it, she squirms and makes fussing noises but I start humming a lullaby and she quiets down immediately. It's times like these when I'm glad I found and read my mama's old parenting books over the past few months. I lie Alice Catherine down on the floor next to where I'm kneeling. I light the candles quickly, not wanting to look away from my baby sister for more than a few seconds. Then I pick her up and cradle her to me, being careful to support her head and neck properly.

With one arm, Alice Catherine reaches out for the flickering candles; thank goodness we're sitting too far away for her to touch the flame. Even though she falls asleep while I tell her the story of Tam Lin, I continue the story because it's calming for me. Before I put Alice Catherine back in bed, I say good night to Jessie like I do every night before I blow out the candles.

_You were right Jessie, I knew the Princess the moment I held her in my arms. I'll just have to wait for her to start talking and then I can see if she calls me Jenny. I wonder why I called her Kitty Cat in my dream her name is Alice. Although, Catherine is her middle name, but I don't get called Louise and that is my middle name. _Jessica's middle name was Joy and she was always Jessie, Jess or JJ, never Joy._ I have started calling her Alice Catherine Jessie, it sounds prettier and somehow it just feels right._

I should go to bed because I have school tomorrow and soccer practice after class but I can't look away from Alice Catherine while she sleeps, she looks so peaceful. She has no idea how horrifying the world can be. I know that it isn't possible, but I want to protect Alice Catherine for the rest of her life, but I will settle for protecting her for as long as possible and teaching Alice Catherine how to protect herself. My baby sister will be self-sufficient just like I soon will be.

* * *

Ring out the old, ring in the new,

Ring, happy bells, across the snow:

The year is going, let him go;

Ring out the false, ring in the true.

- Alfred, Lord Tennyson

* * *

January 1st, 1991

The only reason we celebrated Christmas this year was because my Aunt Charlotte invited us over. We don't have a tree and my parents didn't buy us presents. I know this because Aunt Charlotte wrapped all the presents with the same wrapping paper and used the same gift tags. I'm not stupid enough to fall for her line of 'Santa wrapped all the presents'. It worked on Tanya but she's almost four and I'm twelve.

Last year my parents tried for me, this year they didn't even try for Alice Catherine. I get that she's too young to appreciate Christmas but you would think that they would make an attempt, some kind of effort into making Alice Catherine's first Christmas special. I was the only person in our house that decorated for Christmas, granted I only decorated Alice Catherine's room, but she's also the only person I made a present for either. It's nothing special, just a little dress that I sewed in Home Economics. I wanted to make shoes but I don't know how and the teacher said we had to do all the work on our own, including finding a pattern and I couldn't find a pattern for baby shoes that didn't have to be knitted, and I can't knit.

My soccer coach, Mr. West, doesn't mind my bringing Alice Catherine to practice with me. He's not sure about games right now, but we are not playing any until the spring so I will have a chance to change his mind. He even told me that running home to get Alice can be my warm up laps and since I can't run with Alice in my arms, walking back can be the cool down.

The parenting book said that Alice Catherine is old enough to be crawling now, but my baby sister doesn't crawl. She flops around like a frog, stretching her arms out and then lurching forward, dragging her legs behind her. It's really quite cute. The book doesn't say anything about this, but I think it's okay and Aunt Charlotte doesn't say anything bad about it when she visits with Alice Catherine.

I lit candles in Alice Catherine's room again for the winter solstice, Alice Catherine couldn't stop babbling, I was sure she was going to wake up mama and daddy. I've been reading poetry to Alice Catherine every night, right now were working through Jess' copy of Shel Silverstein's A Light in the Attic.

Our parents didn't stay up one New Year's Eve and Alice Catherine is too little. So I stayed up in her room with the three lit candles. I miss Jess. I wish she was here, she would know what to do with our Faerie Princess. I'm just a kid; I can take care of Alice Catherine most of the time, but what if she were to get sick? I have no idea what to do. Would my mama even get out of bed to help? Daddy helped last time when Alice Catherine had a fever and she had to go to the Doctor but Daddy is rarely at home. My Faerie Princess needs to never get sick so that we won't find out what would happen with mama and daddy.

I turn to Alice Catherine, "Do you hear me little one? You must not get sick. You need to be a healthy baby." Oh dear, I'm talking to my six month old sister like she understands what I'm saying. I think it might be time for bed and eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.

* * *

Listen to the mustn'ts, child.

Listen to the don'ts.

Listen to the shouldn'ts,

the impossibles, the won'ts.

Listen to the never haves,

then listen close to me...

Anything can happen, child.

Anything can be.

- Shel Silverstein

* * *

April 30th, 1991 and May 1st, 1991

I am so excited; my Faerie Princess said her first word today! I ran home from school so that I could get her and when I rushed into her room after taking the stairs two at a time, she was already sitting up in her crib playing with her toy rabbit. She said "Jenny!" I was so astonished that I froze for a minute. I wasn't sure that I had actually heard her talk. Then she said it again and I was thrilled. I know that the books say ten months is a little early to be talking but I'm just so happy my name was Alice Catherine's first word that I don't care. I'm glad that Mama and daddy weren't around to see it. I wonder it that makes me a bad daughter? They haven't really done anything for Alice Catherine. They still feed, bathe and change her, but there are never any real emotions behind it.

The realization that Alice Catherine is now more mine than she ever could be Jessie's makes me a little sad. On the other hand, Alice Catherine is mine, just mine and that makes my heart beat a little bit stronger. I take care of her and love her. I don't have to share her with anyone. She will always be mine first, my baby sister, my Faerie Princess, before she is anyone else's anything. Just as I will always be hers, her protector, her Faerie knight, her big sister. Not just because I promised Jessie to protect the Faerie Princess but also because I am all she has.

I've gotten much better at cooking. When I'm not taking care of Alice Catherine, doing homework or practicing soccer, I am reading cookbooks. If I hadn't already known how to make hotdogs in the microwave and pancakes, I don't think I would ever be able to look at another peanut butter and jelly sandwich ever again without wanting to vomit.

For the first six months after Alice Catherine was born, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches were the only thing I ate for lunch and dinner. Mama wasn't cooking and daddy never remembered to bring take out home on the rare occasions that he was here. Sometimes mama remembered to go grocery shopping on the days she actually got out of bed for longer than just tending Alice Catherine. I have no idea if my parents are eating, though I assume that they must be. I never see them eating and there are never any dirty dishes.

Now I can bake chocolate chip cookies and oatmeal cookies. I can also make rice and cook vegetables. I miss my mama's cooking but I get by. Alice Catherine is still eating mushy baby food so I have a chance to get better at cooking before I need to feed the Faerie Princess real food.

Sometimes I think that my parents are aware that I'm the one doing the grocery shopping because cash mysteriously appears on the kitchen counter when we run out of food or toilet paper or soap. Rafe, an old friend of Jessie's, sometimes drives Alice Catherine and I to the store so that I don't have to bike with the Faerie Princess and the groceries. He is the only person who still calls me Jennifer. I wonder if it's just a habit or if he knows just how hard it is to hang onto my own identity and not be swept up by who my parents want me to be.

In three minutes, I am going to light three candles for Beltane, one for Jessie, one for myself and one for my Faerie Princess. Everything is ready, I just need to move Alice Catherine into her baby seat so that we can sit and watch the flames together. I'm glad Alice Catherine can't run yet or I'd never be able to catch her, she's such a squirmy baby. I suppose I should be glad that she doesn't spit up much, because that would mean more laundry.

_Just because I hate doing laundry doesn't mean that I don't appreciate you showing me how to use the washer and dryer Jessie._ _I miss you Jessie. I wish you were here. I wish you could tell me what I am supposed to do. What if I mess everything up? I'm not an adult and Alice Catherine needs an adult Jessie. I'm only twelve, what am I supposed to do? She's mine Jessie; I can't just give her up. I could really use some help. Good night Jessie. I love you._

* * *

I feel happy, I feel sad

I feel like running through the walls

I'm overjoyed, I'm undecided

I don't know who I am

- Hello Cold World, Paramore

* * *

June 21st, 1993

The beginning of grade nine was difficult, not because I was a freshman and the classes were harder, but because I had a new soccer coach and he didn't want Alice Catherine to come to the practices or the games. He was really rude to everyone, but since I had been let onto the team two years early, I didn't want to make any waves.

For almost an entire month Alice Catherine had to stay home all day, alone. I would come home after practice and find my baby sister had climbed out of her crib but was still locked in her room. I almost gave up soccer, my only escape. I wanted to quit so badly because I couldn't leave my baby sister by herself anymore.

Luckily for me (and the rest of the team), that coach was fired near the end of September; he was replaced by my junior high soccer coach Mr. West.

Five minutes into the first practice, after explaining who he was, Coach West singled me out and asked me where Alice was. I was so shocked that I answered honestly. When I finished explaining, the entire team was shocked; I think they had just realized exactly why the previous coach Mr. Howard had been harder on me than the rest of the team. Coach West sent me home right away to get my, "darling little Alice." I ran all the way home, put Alice Catherine into her stroller and jogged back to school.

In April we went to the regional finals, which we won. Then in May we went to state finals. Unfortunately, we lost in the semi finals. Coach West was great though; he pretended Alice was his so that I wouldn't have to leave her at home. It's a good thing Alice Catherine was completely toilet-trained months before. The team was amazing as well, everyone wanted a chance to carry Alice Catherine and play with her, defend her, and teach her things.

While we were at state, one particularly dense girl asked me if Alice Catherine was my daughter. I'm fourteen; it shouldn't be possible for me to have a two year old. Never mind be allowed to bring her on a school trip. Someone else made a particularly rude comment about me, and the kind of girl I must be to already have a child. She then proceeded to shove my baby sister who was just walking along beside me, watching the clouds. I nearly ripped her head off. Meghan held me back and Maria and Stephanie verbally ripped her to shreds for me while I held a crying and cowering Alice Catherine.

My best friend on the team, Meghan, even helped me toilet train Alice Catherine. I'm pretty sure that if we told a teenaged Alice Catherine just how we started preparing her for potty training, we would mortify her. Since I had already been trying to get Alice Catherine ready for a few months, it wasn't overly weird for her when I brought her potty chair to the soccer field. Alice Catherine would sit on the potty, fully clothed like it was a chair or she would play with her toys near by while the team practiced.

Late October and November were easier because we were indoors and so when Alice Catherine shouted out, "I have to go pee!" whoever was closest would just scoop her up and run for the bathroom. I am really grateful to the rest of my team and to Coach West.

In the past eight months, Alice Catherine has gone from having just me paying attention to her to having the entire junior and senior girls' soccer team vying for her attention. It made everything so much easier. Alice Catherine and I were welcome in most of my teammate's houses after practice for dinner and even on days when we didn't have practice. Alice Catherine finally had adults' attention and she reveled in it, when she wasn't hiding behind my legs.

Today is Alice Catherine's third birthday and the team is throwing a surprise birthday party for her at my team captain's house. Maria adores Catherine and she thought it would be perfect to have Alice Catherine's birthday at her house because Maria has a pool and we have been trying to teach my baby sister to swim. I took her to the pool last summer and to the indoor pool at school this winter and Alice Catherine loved it. Trying to get her out of the pool or the bath always ends in tears because she doesn't want to leave.

Half of the team is graduating and yet here they all are, at my baby sister's birthday party and not on the senior camping trip. I am so touched by their gesture and their support of Alice Catherine and myself. Even Coach West stopped by for a few minutes to wish my baby sister Happy Birthday and to bring her a stuffed animal, a black cat. Alice Catherine has been carrying it around all afternoon.

Maria and Stephanie bought Alice Catherine a life jacket for the pool. Meghan bought her a bathing suit and some of the other girls chipped in and bought Alice Catherine an entire summer wardrobe. The amount of pink is overwhelming. Sammy handed me a separate box while Alice Catherine was playing in the pool with some of my teammates, it was filled with winter clothes in several different sizes. I started to cry. My baby sister has never been so spoiled nor has she ever had so much attention lavished on her and I have never felt as welcome and loved as I do right now.

That night, as I light a candle so I can talk to Jessie, I think about how wonderful the day has been. I also think about how exhausted Alice Catherine is, right now she's curled up in a tiny ball in what will be our sleeping bag. I've put a baby gate across the entrance to the tree house after locking the door. Alice Catherine is also wearing one of those baby harness leash thing, I've got it attached to a hook near the barred door. I know it's not exactly safe to be up here all night but I wanted to sleep in the tree house and I couldn't bear to have Alice Catherine out of my sight. I wouldn't be able to sleep at all.

_I will be so much easier if the team continues to help me, but I think I can do this Jessie. I think I can actually give Alice Catherine a real chance at a good life. I have three more years to prepare her for when I leave for university but I really do think we can make it. Now if only mama and daddy would pull themselves together. Good night Jessie, I love you._

I blow out the candle and pull Alice Catherine into my arms before crawling into the sleeping bag. The exhausted Faerie Princess is still asleep, but now she's uncurled herself and she's draped her sleeping self across my chest. Her head is resting just under my collarbone; I can feel her breath on my neck. I hug her gently and whisper into her curly hair, "Good night Alice Catherine. Good night my Faerie Princess. Good night my baby sister. Good night mine."

* * *

Through many dangers, toils and snares

I have already come;

'Tis Grace that brought me safe thus far

and Grace will lead me home.

- Amazing Grace, John Newton

* * *

September 2nd, 1994

I am sixteen now, an age that Jessie will never be. It is very strange to think that I am now the older sister. I'm not sure I would have made it to sixteen if Alice Catherine didn't exist. She is my saving grace. I wish that Jessie had stuck around to meet our wonderful Faerie Princess; maybe then she wouldn't have killed herself.

One and a half months after my sixteenth birthday and the passing of my driving test, a second hand truck appears in the driveway. It is a 1989, cherry red Ford F150. The keys are taped to a note and attached to the visor. There is a note in my mama's handwriting, it says, "Congratulations JJ." Sometimes I wonder if my parents think I'm Jessie. Do I even exist in the eyes of my parents or have I replaced Jessie? Maybe Jennifer has stopped existing for them completely, or maybe little Alice Catherine has replaced me and I was JJ all along.

I remember two cupcakes appearing every year on Alice Catherine's birthday; they're from the small bakery in the next town over. Only twice over the past four years have there been cupcakes on my birthday, but there are always two cupcakes on Jessie's birthday. How can I compete with Jessie? This is sad and depressing, I'm going to stop thinking about this now and think about how much easier it will be to get around with Alice Catherine in the truck instead of on my bike.

After we won state in May, our team captain Sammy, got to pick the next captain because she was graduating. It's really a team choice but the team captain always gets to announce it. I was picked to be team captain. I was blown away and so very happy. Sammy gave her right to tell me to Alice Catherine. The team distracted me while Sammy dressed my baby sister up in a captain's jersey with JJ on the back and sent her running into the locker room shrieking in excitement and filled with too much sugar.

It took me all of last summer (1993), and most of September but my Faerie Princess can now read. So when she comes to soccer practice, Alice Catherine sits on the sidelines and reads books. So when Coach West indicated a desire to teach Alice how to read our soccer plays, the team thought it was really cute. My baby sister was getting really good at knowing what we were supposed to do by the end of last soccer season. So we might end up with a second assistant coach on our hands this year.

I light a white candle on the ledge of the tree house bannister. Alice Catherine is asleep inside the tree house. The door is open so that I can see my baby sister, I've given up on the leash but I'm still using the baby gate because it makes me feel better about leaving my Faerie Princess alone for a few minutes while I talk to Jessie on the balcony.

_It's been a while since I last talked to you properly Jessie. I still miss you so much but I'm also very busy. I was picked for team captain of your old soccer team, so I was running soccer clinics all summer with Coach West and Assistant Coach Parker. Alice Catherine helped and we even ran a few soccer camps for little kids._

_Alice Catherine has a new best friend, her very first best friend. The little girl's name is Elizabeth and she lives next door. The family moved in about five months ago from Montréal Canada, and our Faerie Princess watched the little girl play for weeks from her bedroom window before she would agree to outside and meet her. Beth came to soccer camp with Alice Catherine for a week before their family went on vacation. _

_Beth's parents, Mr. and Mrs. White are very nice and they like Alice Catherine a lot. Mrs. White has even agreed to watch my little sister while I'm at school because she's home all day. So Alice Catherine is going to spend most of this school year with Mrs. White and Beth. I wish that mama would pull herself together. I need a mother, so does Alice Catherine. I need to pick Universities and Colleges next year Jessie and I have no idea if we can even afford any part of it. Daddy is never home and mama has been going in the afternoon and some evenings out but I don't know where she goes._

_School starts on Tuesday Jessie, mama and daddy bought me that truck you wanted; it makes me miss you even more. I'm going to have to buy Alice Catherine a booster seat with my money from running the little kids soccer camps. She's far too big to fit safely into her car seat. I'm worried Jessie, what am I supposed to do. You've always been my big sister, you always had all the answers and now you're gone. I know that you've been gone for five years already but I still need you. I still need you to be the big sister. Fuck Jessie, I don't want to be older than you._

_I'm sure that you would know what to do about mama and daddy's absence and you would know just how to talk to Alice Catherine. She's such a precocious child, and I know that it's partly my fault. Until Beth moved in, Alice Catherine had never been around little kids. All her friends were sixteen, seventeen and eighteen year old girls. Our baby sister, our Faerie Princess knows more about soccer and the different shades of pink, purple and blue than any four year old should._

_She knows so much about books Jessie, you would be so proud. And this is all on me Jessie: I've been telling Alice Catherine stories about you. It makes me feel better and we light candles on all the holidays just we used too. It helps Jessie, it really does. My heart is healing. This tiny blonde haired bubbly child wormed her way in and made herself at home. When Alice Catherine isn't calling me Jenny she says "Mine," which is what I call her. I'm sorry Jessie, I know that she was supposed to be ours, but I need her to be mine. I need Alice Catherine and she needs me Jessie. She depends on me for almost everything._

_Sometimes I feel like her mama Jessie and sometimes I don't want to be a mother at sixteen. Then again, I didn't want to be a mama at twelve either but I managed. I don't resent Alice Catherine, how can I? She is innocent in all of this. Mama and daddy on the other hand, well… How can I not? They don't take care of Alice Catherine and barely acknowledge our collective existence._

_I have to get back to Alice Catherine Jessie; she's having another nightmare. One of the perspective new girls' was telling scary stories at the beach today and didn't think to censure herself or save the story for later. I told her off but I don't think she understands. Hopefully the other girl's pulling her aside made a difference. She's quite good but I don't want her on the team if she's going to give Alice Catherine nightmares with her idiotic stories. Goodnight Jessie I love you._

* * *

AN2: The next section will be posted on July 7th 2012.

AN3: Happy Independence Day! :)


	8. Alice's Adventures

AN: This section is told from JJ's point of view. I am particularly biased, but the first one is my favorite section. The picture attached to this story if of Alice Catherine in her Halloween costume.

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds, Shel Silverstein's A Light in the Attic, Ford, The Wizard of Oz, Sharon Lois and Bram.

I do however own JJ's family: Alexandra (Sandra), Roger, Jessica and Alice Catherine. As well as Jessie's aunt and cousin: Charlotte and Tanya. And the White's, Sheriff Vaughn, Michael Alexander and Rafe.

* * *

Jennifer's Story

* * *

PART 3.2

* * *

The baby bat

Screamed out in fright,

'Turn on the dark,

I'm afraid of the light.

- Shel Silverstein

* * *

August 1st, 1995

_Happy twenty-second Birthday Jessie_! _Are you still watching out for us Jessie? Can you see us? Have you seen our Faerie Princess? She's grown up so much. She is so smart Jessie. I've been teaching her everything she'll need to know once I leave for University. I only have one more year to make sure that she can get by on her own. I don't want to leave, but I need a break. I need to escape; I need a chance to be myself. Not a mama to my baby sister. Good night Jessie, I love you._

Before I even open my eyes, I can hear quiet breathing close to my face, "Come here Alice Catherine," I whisper, lifting the edge of my blanket.

"How did you know it was me Jenny?" Alice Catherine asks as she climbs into bed with me.

"Who else would wake me up at six on a Tuesday?" I wrap my arms around my baby sister, and breathe in her scent. I have no idea how it's possible, but Alice Catherine always smells like strawberries.

I can hear the grin in Alice Catherine's voice, "You're silly Jenny."

I roll onto my back with my Faerie Princess still wrapped up in my arms. She ends up a giggling mess sitting astride my hips.

My baby sister flings herself down on top of me. "I love you Jenny," she whispers and wraps her little arms around my neck.

I wrap my arms around Alice Catherine, moving bony elbows away from my collarbone, and kiss the top of her head, "I love you too."

Alice Catherine tucks her hands under both sides of my ribs and lays her head under my chin; I think she's trying to hug me.

I run my fingers through her silky hair, I miss her baby curls, "What are we doing today my little soccer super star?"

Alice Catherine answers me without bothering to move, "We have soccer today Jenny and you said we would visit Jessie."

"That is very true Princess, so we should get up," I fling the covers inside and sit up in a futile attempt to disentangle myself from Alice Catherine's arms and legs. As I remove one leg, an arm wraps around my neck. The same thing happens when I get my waist free from her other leg. I sigh, half amused and half curious why Alice Catherine is so clingy this morning, "Let go little monkey."

"Jenny," I can hear the disapproval in her voice, "I am not a monkey!"

"Oh you're not?" my 'could have fooled me' goes unsaid. I don't want to hurt her feelings. "What are you then?" I ask as I wrap one arm around Alice Catherine and stand up.

"I'm an octopus!" comes the happy exclamation.

Oh dear. I think today is going to be one of those days. I'm just glad it wasn't another nightmare, "You are, are you?"

The p of Alice Catherine's "Yup" pops.

"Well can you be an octopus on my back?" I sit back down so that I don't drop my precious cargo.

"Okay Jenny," she scrambles around a little bit trying to get situated.

I stand up again and place my arms under Alice Catherine's bottom, holding her up, "We have to be quiet okay baby? We don't want to wake mama."

Until Beth came along, parents were a foreign concept to Alice Catherine. Our parents aren't really around and I didn't let her watch television so mamas and daddies were something from storybooks.

"Jenny!" I can hear the pout, even if I can't see it, "I'm not a baby anymore, I'm five."

I snicker, "Well I'm raising you so you'll always be my baby."

Alice Catherine huffs and I laugh internally at her displeasure with my explanation.

"Time to go Princess," I say as I walk slowly to the door.

Alice Catherine's words stop me in my tracks, "Who is that Jenny?"

"No pointing Princess, it's rude," I say automatically. I swing my baby sister down to the floor, turning my head to look where she had been pointing.

Alice Catherine wraps her arms around her middle and looks petulantly up at me, "It's not a person Jenny. It's a picture."

Her attention has been caught by Jessie's sketch of the Faerie Princess that hangs above my desk. I feel like all the air has been sucked out of my lungs. _I miss you Jessie._ Even though I just put my baby sister down to show my dissatisfaction with pointing, I feel the need to hold Alice Catherine again, just to make sure she is real. So I pick up my baby sister and she squeals as I blow a raspberry on her cheek. I settle her onto my hip and walk closer so that she can see better, "That is the Faerie Princess."

Alice Catherine wrinkles her little nose in confusion, "Why do you have a drawing of me on your wall? Did you draw it Jenny?"

I kiss her head, "No I didn't draw it Princess. It was a present for Jessie from one of her friends."

My baby sister frowns, "Why didn't she take it with her when she left?"

I sigh, "Princess we talked about this, Jessie couldn't take anything with her when she left for Annwyn."

Alice Catherine frown, "I remember, but didn't she want it anymore?"

I flinch internally, "Jessie left so that she could meet you Princess, she didn't need the drawing anymore."

Alice Catherine looks at me through narrowed eyes, assessing my veracity, "But Jenny, she died before I got here. Is Jessie in heaven? That's where Beth's granny is."

I bite my tongue, trying to distract myself from the tears filling my eyes. I need to drop this subject before I start crying, that would really scare Alice Catherine. Time to change the subject, "Breakfast time baby. Do you want pancakes?"

"Yay pancakes!" she cheers quietly, "I want blueberries in mine Jenny."

Crisis averted, thanks goodness. Alice Catherine wriggles and kicks her little feet, letting me know that she wants to get down, even if she hasn't managed to verbalize the request in her excitement over our favourite breakfast food. I hope this closeness between us is something that never changes.

After an early breakfast, I send Alice Catherine upstairs to get dressed and she comes back downstairs in her Faerie Princess costume. I had intended it to be for Halloween this year but Alice Catherine caught me making it. She was so excited that I couldn't say no when asked if she could have it early. She's been wearing the cape around the house for weeks now, but we only finished the wand and crown last night. Alice Catherine has been watching The Wizard of Oz with Beth every afternoon for the past two weeks, so the wand had to be just like Glinda's, the Good Witch of the North. There are no wings but I can't help but wonder if Jessie would be offended that Alice Catherine has a wand. I suppose we could always call it a scepter instead.

"I'm ready to go visit Jessie Jenny," my Faerie Princess announces as she stands in the kitchen doorway.

I put another fork in the dish drainer, "Are you going to Beth's house later today Princess?"

She shakes her head, "No Jenny, I want to go to work with you."

"It's not work-" I start to explain.

"Yes it is," she insists, with her hands on her hips, "You yell at people all day long. That's what Beth's daddy does when he's at work."

Mr. White is come kind of lawyer, I never really asked for an explanation and there is no time to explain to Alice Catherine the intricacies about what exactly it is that her best friend's father does. I still need to get dressed. "Go pack your backpack Princess," I say as I finish putting away the clean dishes.

Alice Catherine takes off her crown and wand, placing them down on her little stool. She lifts up her arms to me as I pass her by and I stop just long enough to pick her up and swing her around onto my back.

We are ready to leave just after seven; I let Alice Catherine climb into the cab of my 1989 cherry red Ford F150 before locking her into the booster seat and buckling her seatbelt, "Do you have enough books for today or do we need to stop at the library?"

When I look at my baby sister Alice Catherine's smile is wide, "I have five books left Jenny."

I smile back, "That's good. Did you bring all five?"

She nods enthusiastically, "Uh huh and I brought Peter and Lion."

Peter, Alice Catherine's rabbit and Lion her black cat, from Coach West, go everywhere with her. She used to carry around a little blanket but we can't bring that to the soccer field. It would get dirty every single day and then I would have to wash it every night because Alice Catherine sleeps with her blanket.

The drive to the cemetery is mostly quiet; my baby sister is trying to learn the words to Sharon Lois and Bram's One Elephant. There are some French words in it and the meaning goes right over my head but Alice Catherine seems to be picking up some of the words. I wonder if she knows what they mean or if she is just repeating what she hears. If she is learning French maybe I should learn some as well. I am thankful that Mrs. White gave Alice Catherine her own tape because it was getting rather difficult to get my little sister to listen to classical music again after hearing what Beth listens to. I cannot very well let my little sister listen to Rage Against The Machine or Korn like I do on the rare occasion that she isn't around.

I park my truck at the cemetery, get out and walk around the front so that I can let Alice Catherine out. She hops down from her seat and places her tiny hand in my larger one. Her smile disappears as we get closer to Jessie's grave and I'm glad that I've taught her proper respect. We place the flowers on Jessie's grave, and then Alice Catherine and I sit down on the grass next to her headstone.

Every year when we come to visit Jessie I tell Alice Catherine a story, or some small fact about Jessie and myself. I need Alice Catherine to know about and remember Jessie even if she won't ever meet her. Today is no different:

I run my fingers through Alice Catherine's hair, she is leaning against me, "Jessie used to heave dreams about a Faerie Princess."

Her little head tips up to look at me, her eyes filled with wonder, "About me?"

I lean over and kiss the top of her head, "Yes baby, dreams about you."

She frowns, "But how? I wasn't real yet."

I smile sadly in remembrance, "That is true darling, but Jessie dreamed about you anyway. She knew that you would exist some day."

Alice Catherine wraps her arms around my arm, "Did you dream about me too Jenny?"

"I sure did Princess," I smile down at her.

Alice Catherine's light blue eyes are changing colour in the sun, "What did you dream about?"

I can't hide my smile, "I dreamed about pancakes."

"Pancakes?" she asks incredulously.

I tap her nose with my finger, "Yes Alice Catherine, pancakes. I dreamed about you, me and Jessie eating pancakes."

She giggles, "How old were you?"

"In my dream or in real life?" my tone is slightly teasing.

Alice Catherine wrinkles her little nose in frustration trying to keep up with me, "Both," she finally decides.

I frown, thinking back five years, "Well, let's see, I was almost twelve in real life. But in my dream I was about seventeen, Jessie was almost finished university and you my darling Princess were five."

Alice Catherine smiles, "I'm five now Jenny." Then she frowns, "Were you dreaming about the future? Were you dreaming like Dorothy was dreaming in the Wizard of Oz?"

I smile sadly, choosing not to answer her questions, "I know you're five now, you're such a big girl."

Alice Catherine climbs into my lap and hugs me tightly.

I love getting hugs from my little sister but I'm confused, "What was that for Princess?"

She rests her head just over my heart, "You're sad Jenny. Do you miss Jessie? I would miss you if you went away. Would you miss me Jenny?"

I swallow a few times before answering, "Yes Princess, I miss Jessie every day. And I would miss you just as much if you went away."

She shakes her head with a silly grin on her face, "Well I'm not going anywhere Jenny. I'm staying right here with you. I love you Jenny."

"I love you too Alice Catherine," I whisper into her hair. How does she know just what I need to hear? I don't even want to think about graduation right now. How can I leave Alice Catherine here alone? I don't want to hurt my baby sister.

_Hmm, Jessie is twenty-two today. That would make Emily twenty-four, almost twenty-five. Emily, that is someone I haven't thought about in years. I stopped reading her letters to Jessie soon after Alice Catherine was born because I needed to devote all my time to my Faerie Princess. Jessie told Emily about Alice Catherine, well, the Faerie Princess. In several of her letter's Emily says that one day she would like to meet the Faerie Princess and me. Was she serious? Did she really mean it? What would happen if I reached out to her today? Would she be able to help us? I can't though, because if something went wrong I might lose Alice Catherine and I cannot afford to take any risks. Maybe I'll look for her after I'm legal, when I can take custody of Alice Catherine should the worst happen._

___Jessie, everyday when I look at the tiny life form that is our baby sister, I am amazed at how much she has grown. How well she has turned out despite being raised by me and not our parents. She is amazing Jessie and I know that I am her whole world, just as you used to be mine. I love her so much Jessie, I didn't think it was possible to love someone so much that you would willingly put yourself in harms way to protect them. But I would give my life for Alice Catherine. I miss you and I love you Jessie. Happy Birthday._

* * *

A children's story that can only be enjoyed by children

is not a good children's story in the slightest.

- C. S. Lewis

* * *

October 31st, 1995

My baby sister started Kindergarten with Beth almost two months ago and she loves it. Her teachers call her Alice and while Alice Catherine initially corrected them, after I explained to her about full names and she stopped telling off the teachers. I am still the only one who calls her Alice Catherine and now that the Princess understands about full names, she has decided that no one except for me is allowed to call her Alice Catherine ever again. It reminds me of Jessie and myself, to the world Jessie was JJ, but to me she was Jessie. Now it's going to be the same with Alice Catherine and myself, we will only be Alice Catherine and Jenny to each other. To everyone else we will simply be Alice and JJ.

When I pick up Alice Catherine after kindergarten, we either go home or back to my school for soccer practice. Coach West is still coaching my team so my baby sister is still welcome to attend our games and practices. She has become quite the little assistant Coach. In September the new girls' all found it a little strange but like every other year, the team gets used to Alice Catherine's presence.

When she isn't helping Coach West and Assistant Coach Parker, Alice Catherine is doing grade one work. She is in the kindergarten class but I've bought her a bunch of math and reading book helpers and she adores them. Alice Catherine finds the idea of homework novel. I wonder if my baby sister will still think homework is novel when she reaches high school.

Earlier tonight I took Alice Catherine trick-or-treating, it was only her third time out. The first year, when Alice Catherine was three, we didn't really go anywhere special. I was too scared to take her away from the house for anything except for soccer practice so Megan came to get me in her car and we went to a team Halloween party. Alice Catherine went trick-or-treating by going up to my teammates and asking for candy. She was adorable and dressed in the pumpkin costume Megan made in her advanced Home Economics class.

This year Alice Catherine was dressed in her Faerie Princess costume and she had so much fun. Alice Catherine wore her costume to school today. Mrs. White thinks Alice Catherine is Glinda from The Wizard of Oz and I don't know how to correct her without sounding crazy. Beth dressed up as Dorothy Gale and the two of them had a blast.

Alice Catherine wasn't overly impressed when I took her candy away so that I could check it the way mama and daddy used to check Jessie's candy and mine. When I explained for a second time why I was doing this, that I was protecting her, she stopped pouting and put on her pajamas. She knows the rules and I try not to abuse them, because I can get away with just about anything in the name of protecting my Faerie Princess.

Right now Alice Catherine's favourite book is Alice's Adventures in Wonderland. I must have read that book to her at least ten times by now. Alice Catherine can read it by herself, and she does, but come bedtime, only my voice will send her to sleep. I cannot begrudge her this small request since I remember how important it was for Jessie to read to me and not someone else.

Tonight is Samhain, the time when the veil between worlds is at its thinnest. This is the best time to speak with Jessie, and I will be ready as soon as Alice Catherine comes back from brushing her teeth. We read another chapter in Alice's Adventures in Wonderland and then the ballad of Tam Lin. Alice Catherine falls asleep curled up in my lap around eight thirty and I'm glad I brought some of my homework with me because I now have three hours before I need to wake my Faerie Princess up.

_Jessie I miss you so much, tonight even more so than in the past few months. I have been so busy with school and our Faerie Princess has started kindergarten. I'm so tired Jessie. I love Alice Catherine and everything has gone well so far but what if she gets sick? I'm seventeen; I have no legal rights to my baby sister. If I take her to the hospital, they'll call mama and daddy and you know what will happen if our absentee parents don't show up. Someone will take Alice Catherine away. There was this girl in grade nine, Sarah Walker and she was taken away from her parents and put into foster care last Friday, they took her right out of school Jessie. In public! Everyone was still talking about it yesterday._

_Oh Jessie, I can't lose her. I need mama and daddy to step up. Why did you do it Jessie? Why did you break them? Why did you want to die? Why did you want to leave me alone? Was this world really such a horrible place to be? Why couldn't you have held on for just a little longer? Two years and you could have escaped, I wouldn't have minded as much if you were going away to school. Jessie I needed you, I still need you. It's been six long years and now I'm Alice Catherine's big sister and her mama at the same time. How can I possibly protect the Faerie Princess without you? I am only one person. Jessie, give me strength._

I don't actually get any homework done. I'm crying so hard that I wake Alice Catherine up. She's so worried about me that she is currently clinging to me like a monkey (no, not a monkey, an octopus), and offering to let me sleep with Lion, her little black cat.

Alice Catherine brings me tissues and sets up the candles without me having to ask. She knows better than to touch my lighter though. I light all three candles and then my baby sister and I sit down on pillows on the floor. I wrap my little Faerie Princess up in a blanket and hold her to me. I know it's been five years of raising Alice Catherine but I am still so very scared that I am going to lose her.

My Faerie Princess' concerned green eyes watch my face for almost an hour after I light the candles before she falls asleep. It is always interesting to watch my baby sister's eyes change colour. I rock her slightly, the way I used to when she really was a baby. When I am ready to sleep, I take Alice Catherine to bed with me. I'm pretty sure that I would be frantic and unable to sleep if she were not with me all night.

I suppose it's a good thing that Alice Catherine is so used to sleeping in my bed. She won't be scared when she wakes up. When Alice Catherine was two, I had her sleeping with me every night for almost three months. I couldn't leave her alone in her crib at night because she was able to climb out, I didn't want her to fall and hit her head. I didn't know how to turn the crib into a real bed or even if it could. A few months later, Alice Catherine's crib disappeared and in its place was a 'big girl' bed with a mesh guardrail to stop her from rolling out of bed.

_Good night Jessie I love you._

* * *

"What else is the whole life of mortals

but a sort of comedy,

in which the various actors,

disguised by various costumes and masks,

walk on and plays each one his part,

until the manager waves them off the stage?"

- Erasmus

* * *

December 15th, 1995 through January 6th, 1996

I hate hospitals. I mean I really hate them, and I have no idea why.

On the fifteenth of December 1995, Alice Catherine's kindergarten class went swimming. It was very cold that day and when I picked up Alice Catherine from school, her hair was still wet. By the nineteenth of December, Alice Catherine was stuffed up and had developed a cough. I thought she had a cold, but by the twenty-second, it didn't seem to be getting any better. I took her to a free clinic with a pediatrician a few towns over.

The doctor didn't ask very many questions about who I was in relation to Alice Catherine, for which I was grateful. She said to give Alice Catherine ibuprofen and to have her drink lots of water. I'm glad my Christmas exams were done by then because my poor baby sister was up half the night coughing.

I left one note for my mama and another for my daddy. They both said the same thing: 'Alice Catherine has bronchitis' and suddenly it was like they had never left, daddy took time of work and mama got out of bed every morning. It took a few minutes to explain to my fever addled Faerie Princess that the people in our house were our parents, and that they were here to take care of us, because that's what parents are supposed to do. Alice Catherine was not impressed with their intrusion into our quiet, happy little world.

My baby sister refused to be alone with mama and daddy, often crying and screaming her little heart out whenever I left the room. She ended up sleeping in my bed with me after mama woke her up to check on her and Alice Catherine started screaming, she thought mama was the monster from her dreams and was going to take her away from me.

How do you explain to a sick five year old that her parents have always existed, they were just never around? That our parents were too damaged by Jessie's suicide and the fact that Alice Catherine was born specifically to fill the hole created by Jessie's death? How could I consider hurting her so egregiously? So I didn't tell her anything about Jessie's death. I lied. I told her that mama and daddy had taken care of her when she was very little but they had to do very important work all the time and that's why we always had to be quiet in the house. I feel terrible for lying to Alice Catherine, but how can I tell her the truth?

Christmas was miserable. Alice Catherine was feverish and tired and in pain and her coughing still hadn't gone away. I wanted to take her to the hospital straight away, but mama and daddy made me wait until Boxing Day. I was all set to take her despite their disapproval but daddy took the keys to my truck and mama was watching me like a hawk.

We found out the next day at the hospital that my Faerie Princess has pneumonia. Mama blames the school for Alice Catherine getting sick. She won't let my baby sister go back to kindergarten. Mama is going to home school her. I am sure that Alice Catherine will be devastated once she finds out. I almost want mama to be the one to tell her just so that I don't have to be responsible for breaking my baby sister's heart.

Is it cruel for me to want mama's first real act of mothering to Alice Catherine to be so painful? I don't want her actions to hurt my baby sister, I want mama to be reminded of everything she had given up. There is nothing our parents can ever say or do that will make up for the damage that they have caused. I want them to know that it wasn't all right to leave a twelve year old to fend for herself. It wasn't okay to abandon Alice Catherine and myself. They had already abandoned me even before my baby sister was born, as soon as Jessie died, Jennifer Jareau stopped existing. It hurt. It still hurts.

I've spent the past week and a half with Alice Catherine at the hospital. She's on antibiotics or some other kind of medication, it makes her dopey but it doesn't stop her from having nightmares. I am still the only person she wants. I still make up Alice Catherine's entire world. I feel vindicated every time mama or daddy has to leave the room so that Alice Catherine will calm down. It's a wonder the hospital staff hasn't caught on yet and started asking questions. Then again, maybe they have and just think it's cute that I would devote so much time to my little sister.

School starts back on Monday but I'm not sure if I'm going yet. Mama has been trying to insist on my attendance but it's rather difficult for her to argue with me when she hasn't been my mama since I was turned eleven. Besides I'm a big girl, almost eighteen, as I had to remind my parents, and mama has taken Alice Catherine completely out of school. I just can't leave my baby sister alone. It feels like Halloween all over again. I'm so terrified that I'll lose Alice Catherine that I don't want to let her out of my sight. At least this time she doesn't want me to leave her alone either. My reasons have to count for something. Don't they?

* * *

AN: Thank you for reading. Please review. The next section will be posted on July 10th 2012.


	9. What Have I Done?

AN: This final section is told again from JJ's point of view.

Thank you for reading. Please review.

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds, Shel Silverstein's A Light in the Attic, Ford, The Wizard of Oz, Sharon Lois and Bram, or Raffi.

I do however own JJ's family: Alexandra (Sandra), Roger, Jessica and Alice Catherine. As well as Jessie's aunt and cousin: Charlotte and Tanya. And the White's, Sheriff Vaughn, Michael Alexander and Rafe.

* * *

Jennifer's Story

* * *

PART 3.3

* * *

I feel happy, I feel sad

I feel like running through the walls

I'm overjoyed, I'm undecided

I don't know who I am

- Hello Cold World, Paramore

* * *

August 9th, 1996:

The past seven months have been filled with both highs and lows. On the plus side, I have a full athletic scholarship to Pittsburg University. Their team, the Pittsburg Panthers are really good. Tuition is completely covered, so is residence. I'll just have to make enough money to feed myself. When I found out, I shrieked so loudly that I woke my baby sister and she came running down the stairs to see what was wrong. I was on cloud nine for days. The only downside to leaving for University is; what am I going to do with Alice Catherine? Can I leave her home alone? Mama is a little better, but what if she regresses? What if daddy stops coming home? How can I leave my defenseless baby sister all alone?

We won Regionals and State again this year, but the team couldn't get enough money together to get us to Nationals. It was a big let down, but somewhat expected in a football town. We forfeited our spot to the team who lost to us in the State finals. The entire team felt vindicated when the team replacing us lost in the starting rounds, they didn't even make it to the semi-finals.

Alice Catherine has started to bond a little bit with daddy, they watch hockey together. I remember when daddy used to watch hockey with Jessie. I was never very interested and if it were up to me, my baby sister would only ever want to watch and play soccer. Mama has been homeschooling my Faerie Princess and it seems to be working, my little genius is now doing second grade work. It is very cute, how Alice Catherine is so very determined to be just like me and to know everything that I know. When she tells me that I am her hero I want to cry.

Alice Catherine walks into my room just as I am finishing up my packing. I need to leave in the morning; the entire team is supposed to participate in a soccer camp for the three weeks preceding the fall semester.

She looks at my suitcases and boxes, a frown mars her usually bight-eyed happy face, "Jenny where are you going?"

I sigh, this could go badly, "Remember we talked about this Princess; I'm going away to school. You're going to stay here with mama and daddy."

Alice Catherine pouts, "Why can't I come with you?"

I sit down on my bed, "Because I'll be in class all day baby. I can't leave you in my dorm. Don't you want to go to school with Beth?"

Alice Catherine crosses her arms, "The lady you call mama says I'm not going back to school this year."

"She is your mama too Alice Catherine," the censure in my voice is minimal.

"No she isn't!" My baby sister stomps her little foot, "Mamas are supposed to take care of you, they're supposed to kiss bruises and give hugs and make the nightmares go away! She doesn't. You do. You're my mama Jenny. You're mine." She whispers, "Why do you have to go away?"

I am shocked. Stunned really, and she is right, but I can't just let what she said about our mama go, "Alice Catherine you are six years old, you are a big girl. Don't be rude, you know better than that. I taught you better. We talked about why I have to go away."

Alice Catherine steps away from me, looking for all the world like she's going to break down in tears any second now, "But I don't want you to go away Jenny."

I stand up, "Oh baby, I don't want to go away either. But you can call me at school whenever you want okay? I might not always pick up but you can leave me a message and I will call you back."

Alice Catherine's eyes bore into mine, "Do you promise Jenny?"

I cross my heart and hold out my pinky, "I promise you Alice Catherine, I will always call you back."

Alice Catherine locks pinkies with me, "Will you be mine forever Jenny?"

I shake her pinky with mine, sealing the promise, "Oh silly girl. I've always been yours, just like you've always been mine. Right?"

She nods hesitantly.

I sit back down on my bed, "Come here Princess," I hold my arms open to my baby sister, "I'll teach you something neat."

Alice Catherine, with lips trembling slightly, obviously still upset ends up wrapped in my arms and sitting on my lap.

I disentangle one of my arms, "See, you take two fingers, not your thumb mind you, but your pointer and middle finger. And you press them down on the inside of your wrist right after the first bone on the left side of your left wrist."

Alice Catherine copies me, "Like this Jenny?"

I nod, "Yes just like that. Can you feel the thumping? That's your heartbeat."

There is a look of wonder on Alice Catherine's face.

I hug my baby sister tightly, "Now when I'm gone I want you to remember that my heart beats just like yours and with every heart beat that passes, I'm missing you, but I'm also one heart beat closer to coming home to you."

We lie down on my bed; Alice Catherine curled up on my chest. It is still her favorite place to sleep. "I love you my Jenny," she whispers.

I hug her tightly, "I love you too my Alice Catherine."

My Faerie Princess falls asleep listening to my heartbeat.

_____Well, I'm legal now, should I reach out to Jessie's Emily? No, I can't. I tried to look up where she was right after my birthday and promptly hit a dead end. There is no point in trying again right now, I'm too worried about Alice Catherine to think straight. _Oh Jessie what am I going to do? I have to go but I don't want to leave our Faerie Princess here alone with mama and daddy. They're not the same people they were before you left Jessie. I miss you Jessie and I wish you were here. You were supposed to go to university first. You should be here teasing me about being a worrywart and telling me how much fun school is going to be. Jessie you're supposed to be here to take care of the Faerie Princess, it's your turn now Jessie. Will you look after her while I'm away? Please? I need to know that she will be safe when I'm not around to protect her. Can you still be her Faerie knight, just for a little while?

* * *

Keep your feet on the ground

When your head's in the clouds

- Brick by Boring Brick, Paramore

* * *

June 20th, 1997

This past year I didn't make it home as much as I wanted too. Originally I had planned on being home every weekend but we had games and practices on most weekends. Even though campus is only about forty-ish minutes away from home, I would make it back there maybe once, occasionally twice a month. I hoped Alice Catherine was all right at home with mama and daddy.

Mama even brought Alice Catherine, whom she calls Alice, to watch one of my games when we were in the playoffs. My Faerie Princess was so excited to see where I was living. My little genius even managed to convince mama it would be an educational experience for her to spend the night in my dorm. Thankfully, my roommate didn't mind, and even thought it was really cute that Alice Catherine followed me around like a shadow and slept in my bed.

My parents, mama in particular has certainly stepped up since January of last year, before I graduated. She cooks and cleans, teaches Alice Catherine, and she's even back to helping daddy with his case loads. Daddy and Alice Catherine watched the entire hockey season together. My baby sister told me that daddy would make sure to be home in time for all of the games. I know it's not much, it's not enough, it will never be enough to make up for the damage they caused, but it is a start.

Tomorrow I will drive up to meet Alice Catherine and Beth White. I'm supposed to take the two of them out to go see some movie about Jane Goodall and a talking Gorilla that my baby sister has been talking to me non-stop about for the past month over the phone. I'm pretty sure Alice Catherine and Beth only want to see the movie because of the talking animals.

Tonight I'm going to have a blast. A bunch of us have just finished the first of the two summer semesters and we're going to celebrate. Michael, my boyfriend of five months, is the sweeper on the University's men's soccer team. Michael and his teammates are going to host the party in one of the buildings they live in off campus. Since I'm going to be there quite late, I'm not going to come all the way back to the dorm, just to turn around and leave again a few hours later. Michael has offered to let me stay at his place and I have accepted.

* * *

A younger sister is someone to use as a guinea-pig

in trying sledges and experimental go-carts.

Someone to send on messages to Mum.

But someone who needs you –

who comes to you with bumped heads,

grazed knees, tales of persecution.

Someone who trusts you to defend her.

Someone who thinks you know the answers

to almost everything.

- Pam Brown

* * *

June 21st, 1997

Oh, my pounding head. Where am I? Where is my purse? There it is, now, where is the Tylenol? I need water. Oh good, there's my water bottle. This really sucks; for not drinking much last night, I sure do have a massive headache. What time is it? I shade my eyes from the sunlight pouring into Michael's bedroom. Why did we leave the blinds open? Oh crap! It's past nine already! How could I have slept for so long? I have to leave, like right now.

I make an attempt to roll out of bed, but Michael's arms have snaked back around my waist. I try and pry myself free from his restricting arms but he won't budge. "Michael!" I whisper while shaking his shoulder, "Michael wake up!"

He opens his hazel eyes slowly, blinking sleepily at me, "What do you want babe?"

I sigh, "Michael you have to let go of me, I need to leave."

"Why are you leaving?" he mumbles.

I frown, "I told you already, several times in fact. Today is Alice Catherine's birthday. I have to go home to my little sister."

Michael rolls his eyes, "She's just a kid, why would she care if you're there or not? Doesn't she just want presents?"

I want to face-palm at his comment and I remind myself that he has never met Alice Catherine and knows hardly anything of my life before school started. I calmly try to explain to one half-asleep Michael Alexander, "I am one of her presents. I'm supposed to take her and her best friend Beth out to a movie."

He frowns, "Why would you waste your Saturday on little kids and a stupid kids movie?"

I sigh, "Because she's family Michael."

"Yeah well, I wouldn't do that for my kid brother," huffs Michael.

I roll my eyes, "Michael, your 'kid' brother is eighteen and he doesn't want anything to do with you. My Alice Catherine is seven today." Michael's arms are still tightly wrapped around me, he isn't letting go and I'm starting to get annoyed. So I use what Alice Catherine calls my mama voice, "Michael, let go of me please."

He pouts, "I think you should stay here."

"Let me go," I say firmly.

Michael tightens his arms around me, "No."

I elbow him in the stomach and he releases me.

"What the fuck was that for JJ?" he asks angrily.

I get out of bed and pull on my sweater; I don't even bother to take a shower before leaving. I kiss Michael lightly, grab my bag and run to my car.

It only takes me thirty minutes to get home. And when I pull into the driveway, I instantly wish I had not drunk any beer last night. My pounding headache is still present and it's about to get worse. There are four cop cars in front of my house. Two are blocking the driveway. Now this might not seem like much but when our entire town has a total of five police cars, something horrible must have happened.

_Oh god, what if something has happened to Alice Catherine!_ I put the car in park, undo my seatbelt and wrench open my car door. I don't even bother to close it as I tear up our long driveway to the front door.

As I get closer, I notice a familiar figure dressed in a well-ironed police uniform, it's Rafe. He was one of Jessie's classmates. He used to give lifts to Alice Catherine and me, before I had my car. I run up to him, ignoring the other men milling about my property. I am frantic, "Rafe what happened?"

"JJ, I think you should go inside," Rafe says calmly.

"No Rafe, tell me now!" I shout.

"Jennifer," he whispers.

My name on his lips stops me in my tracks; my knees start to wobble, threatening to give out. "Where is she?" I demand.

"Where is who Jennifer?" he hedges.

There it is again, my name, something is wrong. Where is Alice Catherine? Where are my parents? I throw dignity out the window and beg, "Please Rafe! Please, tell me what's going on."

"Jennifer, I really think you should go inside and talk with Sherriff Vaughn," he's trying to sound calm but he's only making me more worried.

I am very determined, "No. Raphael Vaughn, you will tell me where my baby sister is right now or I will scream."

"Jennifer…" he says sadly.

I take a deep breath.

"No!" he says, sounding a little scared now, "Don't scream. I'll tell you, just don't scream."

I wait impatiently while Rafe gets his thoughts together.

Rafe takes a step towards me, "We don't know where she is Jennifer. Alice is missing."

And just like that, my knees give out and I crumple to the ground. I feel like someone has ripped my heart out of my chest, stomped on it and shoved it down my throat.

_She's gone. She's really gone. She is all I have; she's mine, my baby sister, my daughter, my Faerie Princess, my only tangible link to Jessie and our parents let her be kidnaped. They let some monster waltz right into our home and take away my baby. Oh god, what about Beth? Tiny little Beth who is always protecting Alice Catherine and always trying to have her be more out-going. Where are her parents? Have they been told that Alice Catherine was taken? Is Beth next-door right now, bawling her eyes out? Does she even understand what's going on?_

Rafe holds me tightly on the ground and guit-ridden, I sob into his shirt.

"Where are my parents? Are they missing as well?" I whisper though my tears.

"No," Rafe whispers back, "They're inside."

My "I need to see them," is barely a whisper but Rafe understands and he helps me to stand and then walks with me into my oppressively silent house.

My parents are sitting on the couch in the living room, in the exact same position as when they told me they wanted my help to name Alice Catherine. Mama looks ashen and so does daddy, but they're not crying and there is no evidence that they have cried at all.

Rafe turns around and walks out after dropping me off, taking the other police officers with him. I spare a second to thank him silently.

My mother doesn't even acknowledge my presence but my father looks up, his eyes passing over me when I enter the room, "JJ," he whispers.

It feels like a slap to the face, my own parents can't stand to look at me and can't call me by the right name but Rafe, whom I haven't seen in more than a year calls me Jennifer because he knows just how much I need to hear my own name. How much I need to be reminded that I am myself and not my sister's ghost. Rafe knows how important Alice Catherine is.

"Where is Alice Catherine?" I demand, slightly surprised when I don't stumble over her name.

My daddy answers, "We don't know JJ. She's missing."

I frown, "When did she disappear?"

Daddy frowns back, "We don't know JJ. Sheriff Vaughn thinks sometime last night."

I narrow my eyes, "Why did you wait to call the police?"

It is my mama who answers this time, "We thought she and Beth were hiding on us."

I almost shout, "Alice Catherine doesn't like playing hide and seek. Wait, what did you just say? Alice Catherine was with Beth! Why didn't you call me? Why was she with Beth? Was Beth taken as well? Why did you let them sleep over here? Do you even know that Beth doesn't like sleeping on the floor? We don't have a trundle bed like Mr. and Mrs. White."

"We didn't want you to cause an accident on the drive up," says daddy.

My mama says, "Her name is Alice, JJ, not Alice Catherine," at the same time as my daddy whispers sadly, "No, we didn't know that."

I ignore my mama's statement, "Of course you didn't. You were never around. You didn't raise her, I did."

"JJ that isn't fair," protests my mama, "We've been looking after her since you left."

Suddenly I am beyond furious; "You've only had her to yourselves for a year! I raised her for six, and she was fine! I trusted you to look after her! What the hell did you do? How could you lose her?"

"JJ stop!" roars my daddy.

I ignore him because I'm not nearly finished with my rant, "She was sleeping in her bedroom! You let some monster stroll right into her bedroom in our home! Didn't you set the alarm before going to bed?"

"Jennifer!" both my parents shout at the same time.

This is the first time my parents have said my real name since the day we buried Jessie. I am so shocked that I stop talking. _Have they finally realized that I'm me and not Jessie?_

Mama starts again, "JJ."

And there goes my hope.

"JJ are you paying attention to me?" asks my mama.

_What I want to say is, No, of course I'm not paying attention to you, you have just utterly destroyed my life. Even worse than when we lost Jessie, and you started calling me by her nickname; you have lost Alice Catherine, my baby sister, my Faerie Princess. You just lost my one reason to keep going. How could you let her be kidnapped? Do you have any idea how badly these things usually turn out? The monster that took her could be torturing them or he might have already killed Alice Catherine and Beth._

What I actually say is "Yes mama, I'm listening."

Mama sighs, "Good n-"

I cut her off, "And you were right before. I wasn't being fair, just like the two of you weren't being fair when you left twelve year old me, to raise my baby sister but it is the truth. And as for you looking after Alice Catherine since I left, if I could have taken her with me, I would have. You are obviously unfit to be parents. You had Alice Catherine on your own for ten months, I raised her on my own for five and a half years before you decided to step up and help. What would you have done if Alice Catherine had not gotten sick? You would have continued on in the same manner with which you lived your lives. You lost her! You let her be kidnapped! She would have been safe with me."

"Her name is Alice," insists my mama.

"You didn't raise her so you don't get to pick her name. You're lucky I didn't just scrap your contribution altogether. Do you even know that Alice Catherine," I say the full name, just to make my mama flinch, "Is allergic to eggs? She can't eat them if they're not baked into something."

Silence.

I am stunned, I can't believe it, "You didn't know! How many times did you make her sick? She's allergic to Ombrelle sunscreen as well; did you make her wear it? Why didn't you just check her medical records? They're on her bookshelf. I told you where they were before I left. Did you read to her at night? Do you know her favorite book? What about her favorite colour? Or what type of music she listens to?"

Mama answers promptly, "Her favorite colour is pink."

Daddy answers a second later, "Her favorite book is that one about the monkey, Curious George, that's it, and Alice doesn't listen to music."

I glare, "You're both wrong."

My parents scowl back, "No we're not. We know our daughter. Alice has lived with us for the past ten months, you've hardly been home at all."

"Alice Catherine's favorite colour is cornflower blue, that's also her favorite crayon, her favorite book is still Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, only when I read it to her, it's called Alice Catherine's adventures in Wonderland and she listens to Sharon, Lois and Bram and Raffi," I smirk in triumph.

My mother looks like she's going to cry and my father looks like he is about to start yelling.

I walk out of the house before I can cause any more damage.

_Jessie, I thought you were going to protect our Faerie Princess? What happened? Where are you Alice Catherine? Are you okay? Who took you? Is Beth with you or did she escape? Did you escape? Are you hurt baby? I miss you so much._

My Aunt Charlotte comes over soon after I walk out with my little cousin Tanya, who is ten, to take care of my mama, and daddy too I suppose.

The State Police show up and Rafe informs me quietly that his father, Sheriff Vaughn had called in more reinforcements; some are from our county and the surrounding counties, there are even a few are coming up from Pittsburg.

When Sheriff Vaughn organizes a search party for all the surrounding wooded areas, the locals of Valencia working alongside the police and Staties. I tell Rafe that I'm helping, whether he likes it or not. He gives in and makes me his search partner. As we comb though the fields and forests, I am plagued by the thought of finding my baby sister's or Beth's mutilated corpse. I throw up a couple of times and Rafe holds my hair. Our search, just like everyone else's, comes up empty.

I spend the night alone in Jessie's tree house. I can't bare to be in that house with my parents for another second. I want to scream and cry and break things, but mostly I just want Alice Catherine back. I want my baby sister, my Faerie Princess to be all right.

There is no one for me to call, Meghan is away at her third year of University in Dallas Texas, and I have no idea what I could possibly say to Michael. I'll think of something in the morning.

My eyes search the inside of the treehouse for something to hold my attention. There is something in the corner, I crawl closer to see what it is. What I see makes me want to cry. In tiny little letters are two names and a date. The first name is Jessica Jareau, the second Emily Prentiss and the date is June 27, 1989. Jessie, my big sister wrote her name in her tree house several times and every date means something important. My birth is written up here, so is Jessie's death and Alice Catherine's birth because I took up the tradition after Jessie died.

Emily's name is not in Jessie's usual flowing script, d_oes that mean Jessie actually met Emily?_ The 27th of June, I do a quick calculation in my head, twenty six days before Jessie killed herself. _Was Emily the last friend Jessie spoke to? Rafe was out of town the entire month of July that year. Did Jessie say good-bye to Emily in person?_ I know now that that is what Jessie was doing when she gave me her necklace. I still miss her so much. Right now it feels like there is a gaping hole in my heart where Jessie and Alice Catherine should be. For the first time in almost eight years, I'm all alone.

_What about Emily, should I call or write to her? Tell her what has happened? No, I can't contact her now. I don't know where she is. I don't know her and she doesn't know me. I dont know what to say and this would be an absolutely horrendous time to introduce myself. What would I say? Hi, I'm you dead friend's little sister, and I've lost the Faerie Princess. Please help? I don't think so._

I dry my tears and light three candles on the railing, under the leaves of Jessie's treehouse. I spend all night watching them, even after they burn out. _I will find you Alice Catherine, my baby sister, my Faerie Princess. I will never stop looking, I promise._

* * *

We all at certain times in our lives find ourselves broken.

True strength is found in picking up the pieces.

– Jill Pendley

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THE END

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AN2: If you are interested in reading a sequel please let me know. If/When I do post a sequel, I might add an extra chapter to this to let everyone know, but if not, please add me to Author's Alerts and you will be notified :)


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